Life is piling up! I should have known graduate school would be too much for me right now. The truth is, I never dreamed there would be so much reading to do all the time. It's absolutely out of control. I didn't have to read like this for my undergaduate degree. Of course, I did something artsy and project oriented. My major wasn't "academic."
I never dreamed Human Computer Interaction would be so "nerdy." I knew it was a bit, but I didn't know that it would be to the level it is. My class has some extremely nerdy people in it. I thought it would be more project oriented. My psychology of HCI class is dreadful. I don't hate my classes, but I don't like them either.
I'm in a position where I need to choose something and get rid of it. I have a job I hate that I cannot get rid of because I need the money. I have an internship that is helping me hone my skills so I can get a job in my career field and get rid of the job I currently have. Then there's school. Finally, I have Dave who is supposed to be moving in with me in October, but I don't have a place to live at this point.
Last night, he said he was going to his sister's house, but today he says he went to the pub with his friend and got drunk. I feel very insecure about this. I have trust issues when it comes to him going out drinking. He kissed another female when he was out drunk a year ago. Sometimes I don't think he understands how much that hurt me. I broke up with him over it. Now, I am trying to chat with him on Skype and he doesn't answer. He'll only type. Absolutely fishy. He's calling me "your highness" and being condescending. In my mind, something is up.
I was thinking I should drop my classes, but maybe I should drop him. I feel very frustrated by and a bit angry with him.
I really need a miracle financially. With so much coming down the pike, the chump change I make at my current job just won't cut it. What I need is to be hired full-time with a good salary at the place I'm interning. While I don't know if that will happen, I can always pray. I need a miracle.
I applied to for a position doing web design. It pays $40k. It would be amazing if I could get that job. It would be amazing if I could get full-time at my internship. Truth be told, I'd prefer to work at the internship. I know the environment is more what I want and I know that I get along well with the people. I love it there.
I was so ill in the night last night. I was up sick to my stomach the whole time. I had to phone in sick today. It really bothers me to do that, but I didn't have much choice.
I've been trying to do some homework and get ready for the upcoming week. I don't have my internship this week because I have to do some training at my paid job. Hopefully I will get a better, higher paying position and won't have to work there much longer.
It's been a long time since I've blogged. I could say I've been busy or offer any of the dozens of excuses I can conjure up. The fact is: I couldn't be bothered. In the last four months, I've earned my bachelor degree, found a temporary job, started an internship and began the masters program in human computer interaction. I mentioned that my job is temporary. I don't work for an employment service or anything like that. I work directly for the company, but it's just a stop in the road. I make $8 and some change per hour. The economy is bad, the job market sucks, yadda yadda. I can suck it up for now.
I love my internship. I'm working for a local multimedia company. I'm doing exactly what I went to school for. I love it doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about it. I enjoy every moment there, even times when it's stressful and we have to work even harder and faster. It's amazing. I go in on my days off from my paid gig. Although I'm tired, I never feel like I don't want to go. I never wake up on those days and say, "Ugh! I don't want to go to work." I love waking up and feeling like I'm going to work and getting to do something I truly enjoy. I found out that I will most likely start getting paid for my internship - meaning it is turning into a part-time job. I'm absolutely thrilled!!! Right now there just isn't enough work to justify a full-time position. I can live with that - for now. I'm hoping that I can get approved for 30 hours per week at a minimum of $15 an hour and then be able to drop back to part time at my other job, working 15 - 20 hours per week.
Dave and I are still together, though we've not seen each other since January 13. He has been diagnosed with clinical depression, which explains his mood swings and behavior. He has been put on medication to help, but it hasn't been long enough for the medication to work. He's been off work for 4 weeks now. He has to go back to the doctor in two weeks for a check up. Hopefully the medication will work.
We're planning to be together permanently. He's coming here in October (fingers crossed) for three months. (Fingers crossed because I need my internship to be a paid position in order to afford a place for us to live.) If during the three months, we are still set on staying together, we're going to file papers for him to stay here and get married. We won't have a wedding at first. We don't have the money. We'll probably have an actual wedding within the next year when we can afford it.
I went to look at the apartments we want to live in. They are fabulous and just what I want. So hopefully I'll be moved in by the first of October - in time for Dave's arrival!
Life is busy, but I tend to like it that way. This was the first summer I didn't have classes. It was very nice until the first week was over. Then I became very bored! I'm looking forward to what life has in store. I'm looking forward to living life with Dave and to meeting all the new challenges head-on.
I have come to realize and am learning to accept that some things never change. For nearly three years, I have run round and round the revolving door of my relationship with Dave, and it has only left me beating my head against the same wall.
I have wanted him to change his nastiness, to become nicer and more loving. However, he is unmoved, unwavering in his ways. He continues on. Lately, I've been tracking his moods. It seems that every eighth day he has a blow up at me for no reason. Two weeks and two days ago he blew up at me for calling him when I told him I would be calling. He wasn't busy. I wasn't interrupting him. One week and one day ago, he blew up at me because I asked him a question when he was getting ready to go to bed. It wasn't involved, but the fact that I said anything other than goodnight was the gravest sin. Today, I have been working on some projects at school, and I logged into an IM program. He wasn't on, and since he's on vacation this week, I wondered where he might be. So, I logged into the game we play together to see if he was on there. He was. I said hi to him and asked how come wasn't logged in the IM. No response. I thought that it was possible that he could have been accidentally logged out. This supposedly happned a couple of days ago. So when he didn't answer on the game, I typed "hello" in all caps and with several O's to get his attention.
Well he was instantly pissy. To him, I was demanding an answer. To me, I had only asked a simple question. From my perspective, there was nothing wrong with asking him why is wasn't on Yahoo. He normally is. That's his "routine."
As a result of the tracking I've done and reflecting on the last few years, I believe that he really does have bipolar disorder. He goes from really high highs to really low lows. The low lows are blow ups and complete explosions of temper. It is unbelieveable. He is unwilling to change, unwilling to give.
I've struggled with my decision to leave for quite some time. I think, truly, that even though I don't want to be single and I don't want to be without him, that I would be happier without him. Seriously. I wouldn't have to deal with the crap that i have to deal with week in and week out. I can't stand being with someone who thinks the world revolves around him and then projects that on me. Maybe I really should just leave the relationship. It would resolve the revolving door issue.
I'm learning about myself and maybe just how I feel about Dave. I was trying to work things out for myself earlier today. I think what I've come up with is: I love him dearly, but I don't necessarily want to be with him in a romantic way. I feel like I want someone who gives me a bit more attention, who makes me feel like I'm important to him and an important part of his life, someone who has some goals and ambition in life. He has been doing pretty well so far with the way he's treating me.. Of course, I've been home for nearly a month. This time is going fairly well. If he holds out not being a jackass to me, maybe everything else can sort out too.
I've lost almost 12 pounds, although, tomorrow is the official weigh in. So I may have lost more or less depending. I figure I will try this one last time with him. If I can lose a significant amount of weight and get to a comfortable size (for me), maybe he will pay more attention to me, be more affectionate, etc. If he isn't, I may just have to hang it up with him. I'm doing this - losing weight - for me, not him. If he doesn't give me what I want and feel I deserve, I can find someone else. I just don't know when I'll be able to go back for an extended stay. I was thinking maybe Christmas again, but I may have a "real job" by then. Although, with the economy and job market as they are, I could conceivably be working for a temporary agency and not have a position set in stone. It would be optimal to be able to live in England and see how he is full time, when we both have jobs and pressures of life. I would be willing to try that out with him for six months.
On the other hand, I've decided that if someone here takes interest in me and I decide to date him or if someone there takes interest in him and he decides to date her, that's ok. It will just mean we're not meant for one another. I will do my best to be happy for him and hope he's happy for me. Since we lived together for 28 days, I have been yearning for the same type of setup. I want to find someone, Dave or someone else, with whom to live and spend my life. I want to settle down - soon.
I've been watching The Big Bang Theory and am absolutely loving it! I finished the first season today and watched a few episodes of season two. All my homework for the week is finished! I have to say that I'm thoroughly enjoying getting my work done a little bit at a time. It helps to keep stress at a minimum. I hope I don't see the stressful periods this semester like I have in previous ones. It looks like this week is going to be pretty light. I've gotten most things done already, so that makes me happy. I like working ahead. I'm ready to graduate.
Tomorrow is the start of boxing. I am SO excited. It's been so long since I've truly worked out. I hope that I can keep up and everything goes well. I will just do my best. That's all I can ask for.
I didn't hear from Dave today, but I know he had plans to go out with his friends to watch the Liverpool match at The Wheatpieces and go for an indian. So I didn't expect to hear from him really.
It's Superbowl Sunday, and I'm not interested. Heh. It's weird how I've lost interest even in the commercials. I just want to get finished with this semester and graduate. Then hopefully I Dave and I can spend a couple of months together in the summer....and maybe secretly get married while I'm there. =) We'll see. Only time will tell.
This was a really good day. I got pretty much all my homework done. All that's left to do for this week is read one chapter in my PHP book. I have even completed some assignments that are due next week. FANTASTIC!!! I like working ahead. It will come in handy in the future, I'm sure.
Things with Dave went well today. I miss him a lot. I miss cuddling with him. I miss everything, except being a maid. However, I do love cooking for us. And I love making sure our house feels like a home. And of course, I love sex with him. I do really love him. I need a way to be with him permanently.
This evening, I started watching The Big Bang Theory online. I found a site that has all the season one episodes. I have laughed so much. It's really a great show. Dave has been watching it the last week and has said raved about it. I thought I'd try it out. I'm glad I did.
I'm really excited about my weightloss too. I weighed in today at 299.4 lbs. That's nearly 11 lbs. in less than two weeks! Monday I start boxing. I'm super excited about seeing my old friends and getting in a great workout.
This morning I woke up thinking of Dave. I wished we were together and asked God how that could happen for us. I wish it could be easier than it is to be together, to immigrate into the UK or for him to come to the US. I wish he had a real desire to come here. I would like my family to get to know him like his family got to know me while I was there. I spent significant time with them on a few occasions. They really like me. I need to know if my family like him. That's important to me.
I have this huge desire to win the lottery so I can have all the resources I need at my disposal - money. I could pay off all my debts and afford a place to live. Additionally, I could easily pay for the additional education I want - MS Human Computer Interaction. I could live in England if I could prove I can support myself. The government wouldn't care.
If I did win a significant amount of money from the lottery, I wouldn't just spend it on myself. I certainly would help my mother and my brother. I'd probably even give some to my step brothers. I'm not sure how much some of them need, but I'd help them out in some ways, I'm sure. I wouldn't invest a lot at this point. The market is too unstable, but I think the investments I'd take would be more secure, like CDs and Money Market Accounts. I'd use the money to do good, to help those in need - donating to charities and research projects to cure diseases such as cancer and lupus.
With my education, I would want to start a company that creates learning tools - affordable ones - to help people learn or relearn tasks - cognitive, life skills, health information, proper diet and nutrition, etc. I would market some things to schools and some to hospitals and rehab centers.
Ahhh... If I had lots of money, my life would be easier in so many ways. But I'm sure that the money would complicate it in other ways.
I don't know what makes things happen the way they do or why I can feel so confident on moment and so insecure the next. This bizarre phenomenon is most apparent in my relationship with Dave. Things are so roller coaster with him. I'm not sure if it's me or him or both of us. I tend to say that things are much better when we're together and that he doesn't treat me badly. I guess that's somewhat true. But if I'm totally honest with myself, the only difference is that we're together, in person and I can see if he's busy and I can read his body language and can guage whether I should leave him alone - for the most part.
Yesterday, we had a huge plummet. I figured he was in a pissy mood from the time I got to work and saw he was online. When I asked him, he said he wasn't, so I just let it go. When I got home from work, we were semi-chatting, but he was playing WOW and wasn't paying me much attention. I was annoyed by that. So I just said I would leave him be. I did for a while and tried phoning just to say hi. That backfired. He was very annoyed with me.
The thing is.... I don't think I want someone like Dave for the rest of my life. He had great qualities, but I feel like he wants me to take care of him. There is a part of me that enjoys that, but I don't want to be his mother - cooking for him and cleaning up after him for the rest of my life. When I was in England with him in December/January, that's mainly what I did. I cooked, I cleaned, I ran his baths. Sometimes I feel like the only thing I didn't do was wipe his ass. And no matter what I did, I didn't get treated the way I want to be treated. I wanted him to praise me and make me feel like I am priceless to him, that I am the best and that he truly loves me above any other.
I don't know which way is right. I do truly love him, but he is in my way. He wants to do his own thing, even when I'm around. I want someone who falls all over me, someone who feels about me the way Ryan Noel feels about Sarah, which is pretty amazing.
Sometimes it seems like he just doesn't want to be alone anymore, so he is with me, even at a distance. He doesn't want anyone to know that we're "together." That would be too embarrassing for him. Afterall, I am a fat chick, and dating fat chicks is unacceptable.
I feel like I want to be free. Free to do my own thing. Free to find a job wherever I want. Free to make the choices I think are best for me. And in some regards, free from him. I don't want to be tied down to someone who can take care of himself, but would rather have a woman do that for him. If we were to take this relationship to the next level - living together, I would be in charge of all finances. To some extent, I am comfortable with that. However, I'm uncomfortable with knowing that he doesn't truly know how to manage money and that he doesn't know how to control his spending. I realize I do spend on some things I don't need and that's ok in moderation. He had ZERO money in the bank and bought new computer. I couldn't believe it. He didn't NEED it. He could have waited. Clarification: He did need it but not urgently.
I don't know. For a long time, I have believed that in a relationship both parties should know how to take care of everything in case something happens to either person and the one left has to do everything for himself or herself. The fact that Dave is severely lacking in the fiscal responsibility arena is made more alarming by my mom's cousing, David, who recently lost his wife. She did EVERYTHING for David and now he doesn't know how to do anything for himself except feed, bathe, and dress himself. He doesn't know how to pay bills, budget money or anything like that. I will say that David is slow. He's not very bright at all, whereas Dave is very smart. He does understand most things.
Financially, what irks me the most is that he goes to Liverpool games when he can't afford them. He would rather go without food (a necessity) than miss a match. I think his top three priorities are: Liverpool, the internet and television. I believe he works just so he can have those three things.
I sometimes try to envision myself living with him and working. Here is what I've come up with: We live in his two bedroom flat. He continues working at the supermarket. I have a job making £30,000 (minimum) doing Flash or something really cool I like. We get a nice bedroom suit. I paint the bedroom and make it cozy. We paint the livingroom, get new furniture, some bookcases, entertainment center, etc. We get a good fridge for the kitchen and a washer/dryer that has a dryer that actually works. I get along well with his family. His sister and I become great friends. We hang out. Dave is doting. He loves me more than anything. Eventually, we buy a house. Here is where my vision ends.
I don't know if I would be happy there. I don't know anyone other than Dave and his family. I don't have any family of my own there. If things didn't work out with him, I'd be stuck. It isn't that I can't make friends. I can. I know I can, and I know I would. I just don't know if I truly want to give up everything I have at home to go there. I would much rather he be the one to make the move.
I could probably continue to go on and on, but I'll stop here. I am confident that, after more than 2.5 years, I'm unsure about my relationship with Dave. Sad.
So like most people, I want to lose weight this year. I've done it before, and I'm gonna do it again. This time it's more intentional than the last. If I want to have a real shot at being with Dave, I have to lose the weight. I know I have to make a choice - the weight or the relationship. I can't have both. He's made that clear.
He's never mean to me about it. I can tell he does genuinely care about me and my healthy. He tells me he just wants me to be healthy. We have made a deal, so to speak. He has to get his sexy chest back and the dimples in his lower back. Those are the two things that were sexiest on him. I have to lose weight period. He wants me around 9 stone (126 lbs.). I think when I am at my goal, it will be more like 10 stone (140 lbs.). I think just losing 100 lbs. will make me feel so much better.
So to get where I need/want to be, I'm making some extreme choices. I'm going back to boxing the first week of February. (Fees are due the first week, and I came back from England in the middle of the second week of January. So this month is out.) Being so busy with an overloaded class schedule, I don't have a lot of time to make it to the gym. But going to the boxing studio a couple of times a week will help a lot and give me accountability. I've also made a choice on how to affect my eating in the meantime.
So what's the extreme choice I made to affect my eating? I went to a hypnotist. I've tried just about everything to lose weight, except what I did this week. My brother and his wife went with me. She went to the weight loss session with me and he went to the smoking cessation one. So far I've lost 7 pounds. That's very exciting considering the session was at 8 p.m. Tuesday.
It's been sort of weird. I don't remember how many things taste. I have no clue what ice cream, cake, chocolate, cookies or pudding tastes like. I only know that from the past I love that stuff and could easily eat loads of it. I have pretty much no desire to eat any of it anyway. Sometimes, out of habit, I open the freezer for the ice cream, but when I look at the carton, the feeling inside is empty. It's like I've never had it before, even though I know I've had it thousands of times.
Another strange thing that happened is that I eat very slowly. I try to eat faster because it seems like I'm taking too long. But I can't. It makes me feel sick. I had two boiled eggs and two pieces of toast the other morning for breakfast. It took me nearly 20 minutes to eat. Normally, I'd be done with that in 10 minutes or less. At dinner tonight, I ate every bit as slow as my mother who just had dental implants on Monday and can hardly chew anything at this point.
I'm not interested in food. In a way, that makes me sad. Food has been very meaningful to me. It has been my friend and my comfort and it is also a reminder of my dad. Being with my dad revolved around food. He loved to cook and loved to feed. It made him happy to see people eat and enjoy what they were eating. More positively, I am happy that I have lost interest in food because I don't obsess over it. I don't think about when I'm going to eat or what I'm going to eat. I feel full more quickly, and I can't eat nearly what I thought I could. Amazing.
