Sometimes moving on is easier said than done. It seems we find ourselves in places that we want to get out of, but we feel trapped because other possibilities are unknown. We can take a step of faith of the fear of failing is too great. If we fail, we lose, and we can't always go back to where we started. I know first hand how easy it is to be comfortable and stay in miserable jobs, relationships, groups, etc. just because staying is easier than taking a risk and failing.
I stayed in a job I hated beyond measure for two years because it was safe. They have a hard time keeping the people they have, so they don't typically fire anyone. That gave me comfort that I would have a job as long as I needed to work there. I say needed because I didn't really want to work there. It was a necessity to have a job, no matter how much I hated it. I was miserable, but I didn't have the nerve to leave. Now that I have finally found a new job, I feel liberated. It feels like I can do anything now. I feel empowered. I feel truly free.
It feels like the need for change, liberation, freedom is coming into my personal life now. It's touching my relationships. I'm finding there are relationships I want to build and nurture, while there are others I want to sever and cut away. There are some relationships I've severed on a whim, without much thought, that I'd like to rebuild. There are some "peripheral" relationships I'd like to explore a bit further just to see what the possibilities are.
I haven't been a good friend lately. I have kept to myself and haven't made myself available much. While I feel bad about it, there's nothing I can do to change the past. I'm working on building and nurturing my relationship with my BFF. She's always been there for me. There have been situations I wouldn't have made it through without her. I have another friend who lives in Tennessee. We've been friends for years, but we lost touch after she got married and moved away. We've gotten closer over the last year, and she's helped me a lot with my dad's passing. More and more I'm seeing how my closest friends are becoming closer. It's a time when I really need a close network.
There aren't many relationships I want to sever. I try not to burn too many bridges. There are some people I worked with at my last job I'd rather not speak to ever again. If I never saw them again, I wouldn't be sad. I have never quit a job without giving a notice, but it feels great to cut all ties to that office once and for all. There are some people I will miss and hope to keep in touch with, but I will never miss the stress and daily bullshit. I'm still thinking about whether I want to sever my relationship with my boyfriend. I need to do what's best for me, and right now I'm not sure what that is. I care about him very much. I'm concerned about what he's up to lately. I guess I should just let go and see what happens. Maybe things will turn around. If they don't, it's not meant to be.
I've been missing my friend Ryan for quite a while. He was always such a good friend to me. He listened when I needed to talk. At a very emotional time, he couldn't be there for me, and I took it personally. In my anger and hurt I broke off our friendship. I told him I couldn't be friends with him anymore. I wish I hadn't done that. I've lost a very dear friend because I was careless. It doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon, but I hope one day we will be friends again.
I have a lot of "peripheral" relationships at school. Most of them are with my classmates. A lot of them are extremely talented. Sometimes I wonder if there are any I could partner with to start a business. Then there's the one guy I wrote about yesterday. Sometimes I think I'd like to date him. There are many times I want to kiss him usually for no other reason than he has nice lips. (How immature is that??) Then I remind myself how the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Things look good with him from this angle, but I don't know if they really would be. The first time I saw him almost two years ago I was attracted to him. As I've gotten to know him, the attraction has grown. I don't know what it means. Maybe it means nothing.
I think at this point in my life I just want someone who loves me - truly loves me, who doesn't care what anyone thinks about us being together, who understands my busy-ness, who wants to spend time with me even if the only time some days is lunch, someone who makes me feel important to them and I never have to guess if he cares about me, someone who won't take everything I do for him and throw it in my face by being a complete asshole and pretending that anything I do is annoying - including doing nothing or saying nothing when I have no reason to say or do a thing. I want someone who will treat me with dignity and respect and give me the courtesy I deserve, the same dignity, respect, courtesy and care I extend to him.
Is that too much to ask?
It's no surprise to anyone who really knows me that my boyfriend and I have some very big issues. I can't say that everything is his fault. I'm sure I'm to blame sometimes. I just don't understand why I put up with some of the things I do. He will go days, sometimes weeks without really talking to me.
Right now it has been about a week since we had a real connection. Feeling disconnected from him isn't as difficult as it once was. It isn't that I've gotten used to it. I haven't. I'm just fed up with him. I'm tired of the way he treats me, the way he ignores me. I've become numb to him, apathetic.
I believe in treating everyone with dignity and respect. Every human being deserves at least that much. That means treating people with courtesy, being honest with them, etc. There are times when I'm guilty of not doing this. For example, there is a man at church who really - I mean REALLY - creeps me out. I can't stand it when he speaks to me; I don't even like to look at him. He reminds me, somehow, of a pedophile.
But I digress ....
I don't mean to sound as though I think of myself more highly than I ought. However, I believe I have more to offer than what my boyfriend is willing to acknowledge at this time. So I'm pondering whether I should just break things off. Although, a part of me has already ended the relationship, nothing is official.
We've been together for about two years. If things aren't going to work out between us, I'd rather just get on my way and stop wasting time. I need to figure out what I'm willing to put up with and what I won't tolerate. I've been talking with friends who are married and finding out more about their relationships. I want to make an informed decision about remaining in this relationship. I've also taken a step back to observe and reflect on things.
Another thing I'm not sure about is interest in others. While I know it's natural to always find other people attractive, celebrities for example, I don't know when that attraction goes from being natural to dangerous. There is a guy at school to whom I'm very attracted. Sometimes we just sit and talk for hours about everything and nothing. It's all innocent. We've never even hugged, but sometimes I think about what it might be like if things were different between us. There's just something about him that feels comfortable and comforting, that makes me want to be close to him.
I suppose in time all thing will work themselves out. In a few weeks, I'll look back and see that some things are fixed, while others aren't. But I know that if my relationship ends, it won't be the end of the world or the end of me. I will pick myself up and move on. I won't be stifled.
My stress level dropped tremendously this week. A few weeks ago, I applied for a couple of jobs and was interviewed for both. First, I interviewed to be a receptionist. I met with three people who were highly professional in appearance, who asked me weird questions about myself and not about my qualifications for the job. As a result, I didn't feel it went well. I felt weird and uncomfortable, so I didn't feel positive about it. But that was ok because I didn't really want that job anyway. It seemed like I would still be surrounded by high maintenance, whiny primadonnas who demand everything be their way no matter what. I'm really not into ass kissing, but I really just wanted to find something to get me out of the job I had at the time. They said they would let me know their decision within a week. I thanked them for their time and consideration, and for the opportunity to interview with them.
The very next day, I interviewed for a tech support position - setting up and troubleshooting computers, projectors, etc. The two people I met with were much different from the three the day before. These two were relaxed, laid back, warm and friendly, which helped me to relax too. Things went well in the interview I thought. My schedule allows me to work when they need me, and I'm good with technology. I felt confident. This sounded like the perfect job for me - very low stress. They said they would let me know their decision in 3 days. I thanked them for their time and consideration and the opportunity to interview with them as well.
Today I received an email from the lady who called me for the first interview. It said they found someone to meet the qualifications for the position. I just about fell over laughing. I'm bewildered what sort of qualifications one needs to sit at a desk, answer a phone, use a copy machine, etc. The job consists of basic receptionist/secretarial duties. Honestly. I've done all that for a long time. I felt insulted. To be completely honest, I'm over qualified for that position. I simply responded that I'm glad they found someone who fulfills the needs of their department and that I already have another job anyway.
The day I was supposed to find out about the job I wanted came and went. My hopes and confidence began to wane and I felt that maybe I would just be stuck in the position from hell for another year. But the next day, I got a call that I was chosen for the tech position. I was so excited. They needed me to start fairly quickly, so I immediately quit the job I was in, and started yesterday.
I can't believe the difference. I can do anything I want while I'm at work, as long as my job is done. That means I can do my homework or surf the net, play games, even listen to music. Any of those things are grounds for dismissal in my last job. Surfing the web and playing games are things I can see as deal breakers or reasons to be fired, but not listening to music and definitely not homework. It's an on campus work-study position for crying out loud. Homework should definitely be allowed. There are few positions I can think of where it would be inappropriate to play music. If it is kept at a low volume so that pretty much no one else can hear it, no problem. I know a lot of people who work better when they have music playing in the background. I'm one of those people. Music makes the day go faster and the work easier.
I feel for my former co-workers. They are stuck in a bad situation, and none of them are willing to risk speaking up. I completely understand. If you speak up, you risk losing your job or being targeted in some way. That's neither fair nor appropriate. There should definitely be some sort of intervention. I've personally been to student employment about the situation, but I was told that unless I am (or the others were) willing to say something to our superior, there was nothing they could do - which seems a bit shady, especially when they told me that student employees in years past have come to them with the same problems, complaints and concerns. It's really not a good place to work while trying to get through school with a good GPA and juggling life. It has to be the most unreasonable and difficult student job I've ever encountered.
As a result of my new job, I am feeling better about myself and getting through my final year with my mind intact. I am getting caught up on my assignments too - mostly just reading. (Boy do I have a lot of reading to do this semester!!) Thankfully, I haven't missed anything that had to be turned in.
