I thought my entry today would be about The Office Season Premiere, but something happened after I "came to bed" that changed my mind.
I had a chat with one of my old high school classmates. She and I have been connected on Facebook for a few months, but we've never chatted or messaged each other. I decided to just say hello and see how she's doing after all this time. I never expected to get what I got.
I remember her being so smart and so involved in extra-curricular activities. I think she was theatre and in show choir. She always seemed so shy though. She was a couple of years ahead of me, so I just thought maybe she didn't talk to me a lot because I was younger. I guess that wasn't the case at all.
Tonight, she explained that she was embarrassed of her situation, that her family didn't have money. As a result she didn't have the best clothes or the most fashionable things. A lot of what she said resounded deep within me.
I remember feeling embarrassed to go to school. My mom didn't have much money to spend on clothes or shoes. All I had was very basic - jeans, shirts, tennis shoes, a pair of black dress shoes and one dress. My clothes were hideous. I'm more embarrassed today than I was then. I don't blame my mom; she did the best she could. It's just that it's difficult to get through some of the toughest years of your life when you've only got the very basic things.
I'm thankful for those difficult times. They have helped shape me into the person I am today. They have made me stronger in some regards. In other ways, I am not so sure that it didn't wreck me a bit. I don't like to pay much for clothes. Nice clothes are a bit more costly than cheap ones. I like how I look and feel in the nicer ones. I just hate spending the money.
Memories of those times also make me question having children - ever. I'd hate to end up a single mother struggling to put food on the table, let alone trying to give my children nice clothes. It wouldn't be any better to be married and still be struggling this way.
Memories of my dad and how he wasn't there for me when I was growing up leave me questioning men to this day. I question their motives, their honesty. I have been known to do a bit of checking up on boyfriends just to make sure they were doing what they said they were doing. When they weren't, that's a bad thing. They lied. It ends up being a fight. My last boyfriend, often did stuff like that. I caught him in many lies. Cheating was the final straw. I don't share men. I don't abide a cheat.
After speaking with my friend, I realize that we all get up in the morning and put our faces on - whatever face we want to show the world. We go about our days showing people the person we want them to see. All the while, we might be crying inside, desperate for someone to reach out to us, to just let us know we're not alone in this crazy, confusing, messed up world we live in.
In the end, we're not as different as we seem.
In my last post I mentioned that I have the option of turning lesbian. The truth is I'm not so sure that's really an option. I find some women alluring physically. It's particular shapes and lines I find sexy. I like curvy-ness. Sometimes I fantasize about women, what it would be like, but I stop short of doing anything sexual. It never goes further than slight cuddling. For whatever reason, I can't even picture myself kissing a girl. It turns my stomach.
I don't agree with the homosexual lifestyle. I don't believe that God created us to be with someone of the same sex. I believe He created male and female of every species to procreate. Two women or two men don't work out that plan; it's completely impossible.
That said, I think homosexuals are very accepting people. I like them and even have some as gay friends. I really like them as people, but I do disagree with their lifestyle. I guess I just try and love them with the love of Christ and not sit in judgment of them. I want them to see Jesus in me and not the hatred so many people commit in His name.
I could never be a lesbian. The thought of me being sexually involved with another woman makes me physically ill.
Things blew completely to hell today. My boyfriend and I finally broke up. I found out he's decided (deciding) to date someone else. He has no regard for me. While I shouldn't be surprised, I do feel a huge sense of loss. To be honest, I don't know what I was expecting. I called him a drunken loser. I admit that wasn't a very nice thing to say. I was very angry and deeply hurt. I still am. Even though I said it in anger, part of me feels that way about him. He doesn't try to do anything to better himself education wise so he can have a better job and he is constantly getting drunk. He is apparently drunk tonight. His mother is an alcoholic, and he's always complaining about how much he hates it. What room has he to talk about her? He's just as bad.
Part of me is glad this part of my life is over. Part of me feels like I have walked through a huge door of opportunity, and as soon as I walked through, it shut and locked behind me so that I can't go back. While I feel free in a sense, I feel very overwhelmed with all the emotional garbage I have to sort through after two years with the biggest asshole on the planet. I'm happy to have a new opportunity to grow as a person. Yet, I'm sad that I have lost something that I wanted - a relationship.
I have known for a good while that thing would end with him. I think I was hoping that would be much later. I certainly never dreamed he would start seeing someone else while still technically in a relationship with me. The whole things reminds me of my parents relationship. My dad constantly cheated on my mom. He was a drunk too. Maybe I should be happy that I never married the scumbag or had children by him.
Though I can see the silver lining, it all has me wondering if I'll ever find someone decent, someone who will love me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I'm feeling a little bitter about men and relationships period. Part of me is wondering if I should just join a convent and be single for the rest of my life. Another part of me is wondering if I should just give lesbianism a try. (I'll leave my thoughts about that for another post.) Most of me, though, is holding out hope for that one in a million to come along. I really want someone great. I want someone who only sees me, only wants me. I want someone who loves me, respects me, wants me, needs me, who doesn't use me and throw me away.
Is there someone out there for me? I'm losing hope. =(
