This morning I woke up thinking of Dave. I wished we were together and asked God how that could happen for us. I wish it could be easier than it is to be together, to immigrate into the UK or for him to come to the US. I wish he had a real desire to come here. I would like my family to get to know him like his family got to know me while I was there. I spent significant time with them on a few occasions. They really like me. I need to know if my family like him. That's important to me.
I have this huge desire to win the lottery so I can have all the resources I need at my disposal - money. I could pay off all my debts and afford a place to live. Additionally, I could easily pay for the additional education I want - MS Human Computer Interaction. I could live in England if I could prove I can support myself. The government wouldn't care.
If I did win a significant amount of money from the lottery, I wouldn't just spend it on myself. I certainly would help my mother and my brother. I'd probably even give some to my step brothers. I'm not sure how much some of them need, but I'd help them out in some ways, I'm sure. I wouldn't invest a lot at this point. The market is too unstable, but I think the investments I'd take would be more secure, like CDs and Money Market Accounts. I'd use the money to do good, to help those in need - donating to charities and research projects to cure diseases such as cancer and lupus.
With my education, I would want to start a company that creates learning tools - affordable ones - to help people learn or relearn tasks - cognitive, life skills, health information, proper diet and nutrition, etc. I would market some things to schools and some to hospitals and rehab centers.
Ahhh... If I had lots of money, my life would be easier in so many ways. But I'm sure that the money would complicate it in other ways.
I don't know what makes things happen the way they do or why I can feel so confident on moment and so insecure the next. This bizarre phenomenon is most apparent in my relationship with Dave. Things are so roller coaster with him. I'm not sure if it's me or him or both of us. I tend to say that things are much better when we're together and that he doesn't treat me badly. I guess that's somewhat true. But if I'm totally honest with myself, the only difference is that we're together, in person and I can see if he's busy and I can read his body language and can guage whether I should leave him alone - for the most part.
Yesterday, we had a huge plummet. I figured he was in a pissy mood from the time I got to work and saw he was online. When I asked him, he said he wasn't, so I just let it go. When I got home from work, we were semi-chatting, but he was playing WOW and wasn't paying me much attention. I was annoyed by that. So I just said I would leave him be. I did for a while and tried phoning just to say hi. That backfired. He was very annoyed with me.
The thing is.... I don't think I want someone like Dave for the rest of my life. He had great qualities, but I feel like he wants me to take care of him. There is a part of me that enjoys that, but I don't want to be his mother - cooking for him and cleaning up after him for the rest of my life. When I was in England with him in December/January, that's mainly what I did. I cooked, I cleaned, I ran his baths. Sometimes I feel like the only thing I didn't do was wipe his ass. And no matter what I did, I didn't get treated the way I want to be treated. I wanted him to praise me and make me feel like I am priceless to him, that I am the best and that he truly loves me above any other.
I don't know which way is right. I do truly love him, but he is in my way. He wants to do his own thing, even when I'm around. I want someone who falls all over me, someone who feels about me the way Ryan Noel feels about Sarah, which is pretty amazing.
Sometimes it seems like he just doesn't want to be alone anymore, so he is with me, even at a distance. He doesn't want anyone to know that we're "together." That would be too embarrassing for him. Afterall, I am a fat chick, and dating fat chicks is unacceptable.
I feel like I want to be free. Free to do my own thing. Free to find a job wherever I want. Free to make the choices I think are best for me. And in some regards, free from him. I don't want to be tied down to someone who can take care of himself, but would rather have a woman do that for him. If we were to take this relationship to the next level - living together, I would be in charge of all finances. To some extent, I am comfortable with that. However, I'm uncomfortable with knowing that he doesn't truly know how to manage money and that he doesn't know how to control his spending. I realize I do spend on some things I don't need and that's ok in moderation. He had ZERO money in the bank and bought new computer. I couldn't believe it. He didn't NEED it. He could have waited. Clarification: He did need it but not urgently.
I don't know. For a long time, I have believed that in a relationship both parties should know how to take care of everything in case something happens to either person and the one left has to do everything for himself or herself. The fact that Dave is severely lacking in the fiscal responsibility arena is made more alarming by my mom's cousing, David, who recently lost his wife. She did EVERYTHING for David and now he doesn't know how to do anything for himself except feed, bathe, and dress himself. He doesn't know how to pay bills, budget money or anything like that. I will say that David is slow. He's not very bright at all, whereas Dave is very smart. He does understand most things.
Financially, what irks me the most is that he goes to Liverpool games when he can't afford them. He would rather go without food (a necessity) than miss a match. I think his top three priorities are: Liverpool, the internet and television. I believe he works just so he can have those three things.
I sometimes try to envision myself living with him and working. Here is what I've come up with: We live in his two bedroom flat. He continues working at the supermarket. I have a job making £30,000 (minimum) doing Flash or something really cool I like. We get a nice bedroom suit. I paint the bedroom and make it cozy. We paint the livingroom, get new furniture, some bookcases, entertainment center, etc. We get a good fridge for the kitchen and a washer/dryer that has a dryer that actually works. I get along well with his family. His sister and I become great friends. We hang out. Dave is doting. He loves me more than anything. Eventually, we buy a house. Here is where my vision ends.
I don't know if I would be happy there. I don't know anyone other than Dave and his family. I don't have any family of my own there. If things didn't work out with him, I'd be stuck. It isn't that I can't make friends. I can. I know I can, and I know I would. I just don't know if I truly want to give up everything I have at home to go there. I would much rather he be the one to make the move.
I could probably continue to go on and on, but I'll stop here. I am confident that, after more than 2.5 years, I'm unsure about my relationship with Dave. Sad.
