And It Starts Again....

The drama has started again. Less than a week after arriving in England, Dave and I are fighting like always. He's calling me names - idiot, weirdo, etc. And I'm reduced to tears. Why did he want me to come here?? Why did he want me to spend Christmas with him?

It all started today when I asked him what is on for Christmas Eve. He answered, "Gettin' drunk." When I asked for clarification, I was told that he would be going out with his co-workers to get drunk, leaving me here in this apartment all alone with no one. When I said I don't want to be alone on Christmas Eve, he got very rude, calling me an idiot, saying this is why he doesn't have relationships because he doesn't like being told what to do. I never said he couldn't go. It would be nice to be invited to go along. But when I said that, he said there was no way, that by the time he got me and got back to where they were having drinks, everyone would be gone home.

It occurred to me that the only reason he doesn't do relationships is that he has no interest in compromising, in thinking of someone other than himself when making plans or decisions. He only wants to be selfish, to think of himself and what he wants and not give a care for anyone else. One day he's going to realize what he's missing out on.

So if I'm guilty of being an idiot, it's only for coming here and not staying home with my family. Again, I have poured myself into something that doesn't exist, into someone who doesn't truly want me. He only wants me in his way, when it's convenient for him. I am a fool - for thinking this could possibly work. I am an idiot - for even trying with him. I am stupid- for leaving my family during the holidays, especially for the first Christmas after my dad passed away. I should have stayed home. I should be with my family. I should be with my brother. We should be together. Instead, I am here with a selfish, lunatic.

Since I have been here, I have done little more than cook and clean up after him. What appreciation do I get? I get called names and demoralized. While he's not stupid, at this rate, I'm smarter than he'll ever be. I'm feeling the anger and rage from September rising up in me, the same anger and rage that came forth from me telling him off, calling him a loser and telling him he'll never be anything more than a drunken butcher.

While I hate to admit it, I think it's true, at least in part. He refuses to grow up. The girl he was supposedly "possibly dating" is only 20 years old. ?????? What? He's nearly 32 years old! What the frick?! Oh but he says she "did his head in" and that "she's so immature." What did he expect??? And why would he even consider dating someone that much younger than him. Although, I expected she would be quite a lot younger than him when he said one of his co-worker's said her friend likes him. Pfft. Most of his co-workers are 18-23, working their way through college or university. Most of them don't want a career in the supermarket.

Some people don't have potential and so they end up working in grocery stores, gas stations, etc. We need these workers. But there are also people who do have potential, who can go far beyond that, but they never do. They never try. I was one of those people. And to an extent, I still am. But I'm working hard to get things in order so I can go far, so I can excel and be someone who can say I got my education, I attained my educational goals and I reached to the limits of my learning ability. I don't want to feel like a loser in my own sight. At the end of the day, all that matters is how I feel about myself.

Does He Want Me Back?

For the last week or so Dave has been contacting me regularly. Last Friday, he sent me a text message saying that he hadn't seen me online in a while and wondered if I am ok. Why does he care? Honestly, he is the reason I don't go online so much. He is the reason I backed away. He was so uncaring and unkind toward me. I know I said some really mean things to him, and I am sorry for that. He's never apologized to me.

On Monday, he sent me mail on one of the social networking sites asking me if I still plan to go over there next month. What the frick?! I explained that I still have my ticket, but I have no money for food, and since he said I couldn't stay with him, I would have no place to stay. He said am welcome to stay with him. I said I would think about it.

Yesterday, I told him I would come over. He then sent me a message about working out my rent payments when I get there. Immediately, my mind flashed to what he wants. The first thought is sexual favors, which I'm not into. When we talked about it, he said he wanted me to "suck [his] cock." When asked what was in it for me, he said "licks and some sex." That isn't what I want. I want a relationship with someone who will love me and respect me, not use me for sex and move along. I explained there would be no sex without a relationship. He said he doesn't like the distance and that he feels the only way around the distance issue is for one of us to win the lottery. So my option for "rent" is to do his housework. I guess it wouldn't bad. He's really not a slob. He doesn't like messes. And it's the least I can do to stay there for free and be fed.

Last night when we were chatting on messenger, he was so flirty and playful the way I remember him. I had fun, but it just feels like there's something missing. I expect I don't really trust him to not use me. We could have had something very special, something to last forever. I'm not sure that's possible now.

So why is he "after me"? Why is he asking me to still come to England and spend the holidays with him and his family? Why does he want to be intimate with me? Does he love me? Does he think his family won't wonder if there's something more between us than a friendship if I come over 3k miles to spend time with him during the holidays? They may not be educated people, as in not have college degrees, but I'm sure they aren't idiots. Surely they have common sense. Surely they know we aren't just friends, or that we weren't. As for the sex, I expect I must be pretty good at it if he wants it still, and I know he's pretty good at it. The sex I had with him is by far the best I ever had.

I don't want to be a fool. I don't want to be stupid or an idiot. I don't want to do something I will regret. I won't regret going there, but I would regret sex with him under the current circumstances.

So does he want me back or does he just want me for sex?

I'm Not Stupid, But I Still Don't Get It.

This entry is bound to be a total rant. I work in a very small department. I am the only student worker. Everyone treats me just like part of the department except Bill. He obviously has issues with whoever holds the position I'm in. From what I've heard, he doesn't typically speak to that person, he doesn't want them in the main office unless absolutely necessary. I think he's crap. Last week, he brought David and Jason some homemade cookies with a little Halloween note on their packs. Terri was out on a business. I didn't get anything, not even a note! WTF??? Do I not exist in his mind? I was tempted to ask him why he excluded me. Today I am in the main office because there is a class being held where I'm supposed to sit. He opened the door, and with a scowl on his face asked me if there was a class being held in there today. I answered there was. He turned around and walked away. He has nothing to say to me. He acts like I'm nothing more than a peon who deserves nothing - a work peasant. I'm lowly in his eyes, I guess. The proud will come to ruin. Pride comes before the fall.

Day Two - Stinky Man On A Crowded Bus

So I rode the bus again today. It's day two of my Public Transportation System Experiment (PTSE). I was considering driving today because I didn't sleep well last night, and I have to be here until after 8:30 p.m. That's a long time to be here, and I wanted the option of a "quick escape."

The bus I caught today is one time slot earlier than the one I took yesterday. It was pretty full too. It picked me up around 6:45 a.m. Just before entering downtown, there was standing room only, but I brought a book and read it until just before the downtown exchange stop.

I realized just how snobby I on the inbound route. About halfway to town, a very smelly man sat between me and another girl. It was a tight fit, but he squeezed himself between us. I thought I would be sick. He smelled a bit sour, with a hint of dead fish. I don't know whether he was homeless; I tried not to look at him. Instead, I tried to concentrate on my book and not breathe in too deeply. I got off one stop before I planned to because of his stench.

Overall, I enjoyed my commute and look forward to the ride home today.

I Didn't Forget the Election

I know the election news is all the buzz today. All the newspapers at school are gone. I didn't even get ONE PAPER! All the New York Times, all the USA Todays, all the Indianapolis Stars, everything is gone. These law students are newspaper piglets!!! There are ALWAYS loads of papers left, even at noon, but not today. Looks like my cheap ass will have to buy them, unless I can find them in another building.

So Barack Obama won yesterdays election by a landslide. According to CBSnews.com, Obama won an estimated 349 electoral votes to McCain's 160. This was no doubt an historical event. We were either going to have the oldest president ever, or we would make an even bigger splash in history by electing the first black president. I feel very blessed and proud to have been able to vote in such an exciting election.

I personally voted for Obama. Although I wasn't overly impressed with either candidate, I felt that Barack Obama was a much better choice than McCain because he is younger, not set in his ways making him open to change, and he's articulate. I don't particularly care for Joe Biden, but I do think he is better than Sarah Palin. For me, it's important for our President to not only be intelligent, but he or she must also sound intelligent. It is important to me for the President to be articulate. Palin reminds me of an ignorant hillbilly when she talks, as does McCain who also reminds me of a robot whose eyes are either stuck wide open or blinking a thousand times per minute. Annoying either way. I hate to be annoyed. I've been annoyed for eight years by George W. Bush, who encompasses everything I don't want in a President.

During the debates McCain didn't make sense to me. He constantly said he knew how to change things, how to fix them, but he never really said how he planned to do that. The how is important. Obama, on the otherhand, put his ideas on the table. He gave us something, which is much more than McCain's nothing. When you know what you're getting yourself into, it's easier to go for it than going into something blindly.

Ultimately, what it came down to for me is this morbid idea: McCain has one foot in the grave, so to speak. If he dies while in office, is Sarah Palin qualified to be President? Would I be comfortable with her as President? If Barack Obama is elected, he may be assassinated by ignorant white supremacists. If that were to happen, would I be confident in Joe Biden's ability to run this country?

Many of my "Christian" friends voted for McCain because they're afraid of Obama. They think he might be the Antichrist. WTF?! How "Christian" is that??? It's people like these who turn others away from the faith. Let's judge a perfectly good candidate and call him the Antichrist when we have no way of knowing this information. It makes no sense, it's ridiculous, and it's completely appalling!

Extra Parking Space at IUPUI

Today IUPUI has an extra parking space on campus all because I chose to take the bus. It wasn't until yesterday that I decided to use public transportation. I've been trying to think of ways to cut back on my spending and how I can make a difference in this world.

I'm not good with recycling. To be honest, I wish I was more earth conscious when it comes to recyclables. I buy bottled water, but I throw the bottles in the trash instead of saving them and finding a place to drop them off to be reused. I throw all paper in the trash - shredded and unshredded. I'm not much of a soda drinker, but we do have canned drinks at home. The empties go in the bin too. My household just isn't very green minded.

At IUPUI, students can get an S-Pass to ride Indygo buses for free. The only requirement is showing a student ID when bording. I've had my pass since The end of July, but never felt like using it.

I learned some things this morning. First, I should have worn more comfortable walking shoes. I'm wearing flip-flops today. It's going to be 75 degrees today, afterall, and I was trying to be prepared for this. Tomorrow, I will definitely have to make the adjustment. Maybe I wear tennis shoes to campus and change my to something better later. Although, colder weather is on its way, so I doubt I need to worry about this much.

Secondly, I need to see if there is a stop a little closer to my home. I had to walk about three or four extra blocks from where I remember the closest stop being. Maybe the sign is just missing right now. I should call the bus company and ask.

Thirdly, I need a more efficient way of carrying things. I have my backpack, which holds quite a lot, but it is full of stuff for school. I ned to carry my colored pencils and markers, but the box they're in is awkward, so I put it in my backpack, which made it all the way full. If I had to bring actual books today, I'd have been sunk. I'll have to see if I can find some sort of smaller, more flexible container for my pens and pencils.

Fourthly, I need to take a book or something else to do while I ride. About halfway to campus, I remembered I had my iPod in my backpack. Today I just looked around at the things I miss during my normal morning commute. The buses I rode today take the same general path as I normally do, with a few exceptions - it takes longer and they route through downtown is a bit different, plus I have go around the campus and back to get to my final stop. No complaints though.

Lastly, and probably most importantly, I loved taking the bus this morning. I got a little bit of exercise first off this morning. It's about a half a mile or so to the busstop, which isn't much, but I wouldn't ordinarily do that. I'm considering buying a bicycle in the spring to ride to campus or at least part of the way. The bike I have now has issues. The tires always lose air. I've had the innertubes replaced and the bands that go round the inside of the rims, but that didn't work. They just keep losing air. I can ride it and it's fine. Let it sit for a couple of days and both wheels are flat.

Today I am having lunch with one of my good friends downtown. I have already determined how I can get to my destination by bus. I'm very excited about this. I thought about asking her for a lift home, but I think I will just take the bus. Why not? It's a good time to just sit and relax. Plus, I get a bit of exercise I wouldn't normally get.

Musical Mood

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town, another everything
But it's always back to you
Stumble out in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up Baby
Give it up, give it up now, now

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time
But its time that I'm wasting
I always turn the car around

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around

~Shattered, OAR

This song pretty well describes how I feel about my break-up with Dave. I'm doing really well on my own. I'm focused more on my classes and things are just more relaxed for me in general. I don't have to worry about spending time with him or whether he's going to be pissed off at me for no reason. But there are times when I really miss him and would like to be with him. He has a lot of really good qualities, but they are often overshadowed by his lack of basic respect and courtesy for me. It's nothing that can't be remedied. He has to recognize there is something wrong in him first. I can't do all the work.

I especially like the line that says, All that I feel is the realness I'm faking, taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting. That's how I feel about my life a lot of times. I want to be truly happy and fulfilled, but often I don't quite feel it, so I fake it. I put on a happy face and go on. I'm taking my time through life, doing things in my thirties that most people finish in their early twenties. I've yet to find a man worthy of marrying. I feel like I'm wasting time - stuck.


Love, love L-O-V-E this Snow Patrol song:

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

~Run, Snow Patrol

Favorite lines emphasized

Symbolically Challenged

I'm four chapters behind in my symbolic logic class. I've been struggling to get caught up the last two weeks, but the harder I try to get ahead the more I feel stuck. I'm spinning my wheels, running in place and I can't get passed chapter four!

I get the rules. I see them, and while they don't make a whole lot of sense, I do understand them enough to apply them - at least I think I do. It's just when I get to the derivations of disjunction elimination I get a 'deer caught in the headlights,' glazed over look of confusion.

The first part I can do, no problem. After that, though, I'm completely lost. Looks like I'll be spending my Saturday in the lab working on symbolic logic and getting help from the class assistants.

Deep Thoughts

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand
"Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in
The turning away"
It's a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting it's shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that we're all alone
In the dream of the proud
On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
Mesmerized as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night
No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away?

~On The Turning Away, Pink Floyd

Feelings I Don't Understand

I've been thinking of my ex a lot the last week. We've only been broken up a few weeks, but I didn't think of him too much until lately. In light of how he treated me, especially toward the end, I thought it would be easy to move on, especially, still, once I realized I felt so happy without him. So what's the problem?

I'm not sure, to be honest. I love my new found freedoms. I can come and go as I please. I don't have to be tied to him or any communication devices. I can concentrate on my studies, and I'm free to choose a graduate school and program at will. But something is missing.

I miss him. I miss his good qualities. I miss our talks, his jokes and sense of humor. I miss planning our future together. I miss feeling like I had a future with someone. I miss hearing (or reading) his I love yous. I miss sleeping with him, turning over in bed and feeling him move close behind, put his arms around me and hold me. I miss taking roadtrips and vacations with him. We always went on awesome vacations. We had fun together. I don't know when that stopped or whose fault it was. There is no use in laying blame. I'm sure we both did things that were wrong or inappropriate.

At times I don't understand my expectations or why they are so high. In fact, they are close to perfection in some instances. I think I expect to be the center of attention, at least on a sub-conscious level. Sometimes I know I am wanting attention, other times I don't realize it. I want things my way, but I do know how to compromise.

All of this to say: I think I want him back. If he were to come to me tomorrow and ask if we could try again, I think I would agree to it. Does that make me stupid? A fool? An idiot?

Joy Rising

There are changes going on inside me. I'm much more focused, and I'm happier than I have in a long time. One of the most amazing things happened to me today - I thought of my dad and smiled.

I've been trying to get caught up on reading for one of my classes. There are three different books that are being used in this particular class. I've been focusing on one book in particular because it has the most readings assigned to it. I got a different book out today. I forgot I had started reading it a few weeks ago. Right where I left off was my bookmark. It has a poem on one side and my dad's obituary on the other. I smiled as I read the short blurb of his life for the nth time.

While hot tears still fill my eyes and could easily stain my cheeks, the love I feel for him is more powerful than the pain I feel from losing him and thoughts of never seeing him again.

I feel hopeful that things will continue to get better, that I will make it through this - one of the darkest times of my life. I have my drive and a little bit of my pep back. I'm looking forward to graduating in May and trying to decide on the next step - grad school, law school or just get a job and be done with it for a while.

Listless

I really should be sleeping right now, but my mind won't rest. I keep thinking about things that aren't important and some things that should be important but aren't. I'm feeling listless.

Miriam Webster's online dictionary defines the word listless as follows:

listless

Main Entry:

list·less

Pronunciation:

\ˈlist-ləs\

Function:

adjective

Etymology:

Middle English listles, from ²list

Date:

15th century

: characterized by lack of interest, energy, or spirit

Lately, that is a very accurate description of me. I don't have a much interest in much of anything. I feel very apathetic about most things. But I have found listless is the best adjective for describing me.

My spirit is bruised and broken. I'm the type of person who thrives on music of all sorts, who uses music to work through things in life, but even music is empty to me. While I like it, it doesn't sing to me the way it once did. It doesn't speak to me words of wisdom or words of truth anymore. I don't connect with it.

This listless state is hitting me especially hard academically. While I'm not failing any classes, I have no desire to go to school. It's a real chore to make myself go to class. My focus is lost. I forget about my assignments until the last minute. I feel like I'm floating off somewhere mentally. My drive is gone. I don't want to quit. I really want to continue. I just feel stuck. I feel like I need life to stop for just a little while so I can catch up.

I keep thinking how lucky I am to be in school right now. I don't have to work forty hours or more each week. I don't even have to put in eight hours of work any day, unless you count class time and homework. Mondays I go ten to eleven hours straight. Thursdays are even worse, depending on if I can go home between work and class. There can be up to fourteen hours between the time I get to school and the time I leave. If I had a full-time job right now, I'd be really bad off.

I've been thinking about attending a bereavement program. I don't really want to sit in front of a group of people and cry my eyes out week after week, but, at the same time, I can't continue going through life so lost and depressed. My dad would be very upset with me to know I've let his passing affect me this way. He would want me to get on with my life and to live it as fully as possible. He wouldn't want me to forget about him, but he wouldn't want me to dwell on things the way I do.

I can't escape my feeling of loss. It isn't that I don't think anyone else doesn't hasn't, won't ever felt this way. I feel this way, and I don't know what to do about it. I had a good cry tonight. That sometimes helps. It did tonight, which is a relief, but I know it isn't enough. I need to do something more to get through my grief.

We're Not As Different As We Seem

I thought my entry today would be about The Office Season Premiere, but something happened after I "came to bed" that changed my mind.

I had a chat with one of my old high school classmates. She and I have been connected on Facebook for a few months, but we've never chatted or messaged each other. I decided to just say hello and see how she's doing after all this time. I never expected to get what I got.

I remember her being so smart and so involved in extra-curricular activities. I think she was theatre and in show choir. She always seemed so shy though. She was a couple of years ahead of me, so I just thought maybe she didn't talk to me a lot because I was younger. I guess that wasn't the case at all.

Tonight, she explained that she was embarrassed of her situation, that her family didn't have money. As a result she didn't have the best clothes or the most fashionable things. A lot of what she said resounded deep within me.

I remember feeling embarrassed to go to school. My mom didn't have much money to spend on clothes or shoes. All I had was very basic - jeans, shirts, tennis shoes, a pair of black dress shoes and one dress. My clothes were hideous. I'm more embarrassed today than I was then. I don't blame my mom; she did the best she could. It's just that it's difficult to get through some of the toughest years of your life when you've only got the very basic things.

I'm thankful for those difficult times. They have helped shape me into the person I am today. They have made me stronger in some regards. In other ways, I am not so sure that it didn't wreck me a bit. I don't like to pay much for clothes. Nice clothes are a bit more costly than cheap ones. I like how I look and feel in the nicer ones. I just hate spending the money.

Memories of those times also make me question having children - ever. I'd hate to end up a single mother struggling to put food on the table, let alone trying to give my children nice clothes. It wouldn't be any better to be married and still be struggling this way.

Memories of my dad and how he wasn't there for me when I was growing up leave me questioning men to this day. I question their motives, their honesty. I have been known to do a bit of checking up on boyfriends just to make sure they were doing what they said they were doing. When they weren't, that's a bad thing. They lied. It ends up being a fight. My last boyfriend, often did stuff like that. I caught him in many lies. Cheating was the final straw. I don't share men. I don't abide a cheat.

After speaking with my friend, I realize that we all get up in the morning and put our faces on - whatever face we want to show the world. We go about our days showing people the person we want them to see. All the while, we might be crying inside, desperate for someone to reach out to us, to just let us know we're not alone in this crazy, confusing, messed up world we live in.

In the end, we're not as different as we seem.

Thoughts on Lesbianism and Homosexuality in General

In my last post I mentioned that I have the option of turning lesbian. The truth is I'm not so sure that's really an option. I find some women alluring physically. It's particular shapes and lines I find sexy. I like curvy-ness. Sometimes I fantasize about women, what it would be like, but I stop short of doing anything sexual. It never goes further than slight cuddling. For whatever reason, I can't even picture myself kissing a girl. It turns my stomach.

I don't agree with the homosexual lifestyle. I don't believe that God created us to be with someone of the same sex. I believe He created male and female of every species to procreate. Two women or two men don't work out that plan; it's completely impossible.

That said, I think homosexuals are very accepting people. I like them and even have some as gay friends. I really like them as people, but I do disagree with their lifestyle. I guess I just try and love them with the love of Christ and not sit in judgment of them. I want them to see Jesus in me and not the hatred so many people commit in His name.

I could never be a lesbian. The thought of me being sexually involved with another woman makes me physically ill.

The Emotional War Inside

Things blew completely to hell today. My boyfriend and I finally broke up. I found out he's decided (deciding) to date someone else. He has no regard for me. While I shouldn't be surprised, I do feel a huge sense of loss. To be honest, I don't know what I was expecting. I called him a drunken loser. I admit that wasn't a very nice thing to say. I was very angry and deeply hurt. I still am. Even though I said it in anger, part of me feels that way about him. He doesn't try to do anything to better himself education wise so he can have a better job and he is constantly getting drunk. He is apparently drunk tonight. His mother is an alcoholic, and he's always complaining about how much he hates it. What room has he to talk about her? He's just as bad.

Part of me is glad this part of my life is over. Part of me feels like I have walked through a huge door of opportunity, and as soon as I walked through, it shut and locked behind me so that I can't go back. While I feel free in a sense, I feel very overwhelmed with all the emotional garbage I have to sort through after two years with the biggest asshole on the planet. I'm happy to have a new opportunity to grow as a person. Yet, I'm sad that I have lost something that I wanted - a relationship.

I have known for a good while that thing would end with him. I think I was hoping that would be much later. I certainly never dreamed he would start seeing someone else while still technically in a relationship with me. The whole things reminds me of my parents relationship. My dad constantly cheated on my mom. He was a drunk too. Maybe I should be happy that I never married the scumbag or had children by him.

Though I can see the silver lining, it all has me wondering if I'll ever find someone decent, someone who will love me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I'm feeling a little bitter about men and relationships period. Part of me is wondering if I should just join a convent and be single for the rest of my life. Another part of me is wondering if I should just give lesbianism a try. (I'll leave my thoughts about that for another post.) Most of me, though, is holding out hope for that one in a million to come along. I really want someone great. I want someone who only sees me, only wants me. I want someone who loves me, respects me, wants me, needs me, who doesn't use me and throw me away.

Is there someone out there for me? I'm losing hope. =(

Tolerance Down the Tubes

Lately, I have a low tolerance for certain people and particular behaviors. There is a girl in my RCIA class, for example, who is going through with her boyfriend. I haven't got much tolerance for her or her behavior. She constantly hangs on him, lays on him, touches him like they're in the privacy of their own home. It's incredibly annoying and makes at least three of us (not including the boyfriend) at the table uncomfortable. He looks uncomfortable but I'm not sure he is.

My tolerance for my boyfriend has flown out the window and around the world to Russia. I can't believe how annoying, bullheaded and rude he is. Maybe my eyes are finally being opened to his true self. I think he's been getting drunk a lot and trying to hide it. I have no tolerance for drunkenness or lying. I hope he isn't doing that, but I haven't been able to catch him. I've been too busy at school. When he's available, I'm not.

There is a girl sitting next to me as I type this. I just can't stand how she is dressed. She has lovely hair, toenails and fingernails are nicely done. The problem is she has a huge gut. Her pants are fastened under her wobbly, jiggly belly and they have fallen halfway down her ass. (GROSS!!) As if that wasn't repulsive enough! Her shirt that is too tight.

I think I'm just bitchy today. =(

Waiting on a Sign

I'm waiting for a sign. It isn't just any sign. I've asked for a specific sign from God to show me what to do. I have been having some really big issues with my boyfriend over the last several weeks, and I'm at the end of myself and not sure what to do. Everytime I have prayed and asked God for a sign (Gideon style) I have been given it. Everytime He has confirmed that I should be in this relationship.

I have asked for various things in the past, though nothing I had control over. That wouldn't be the Gideon way. Every single time, what I have asked for has come to pass. I am careful to pray silently, so that only God knows my request.

Now it's coming down to major uncertainty. I don't know if this is meant to be or not. I really love him, but maybe that isn't enough. I'm tired of being tossed around like I mean nothing to him. I'm tired of being taken for granted. I'm fed up with having my emotions toyed with. And I'm definitely tired of hearing, "I don't know what love is," and, "I don't know how I feel about you." He runs hot and cold. One day he loves me, the next he doesn't or doesn't know.

I feel like I have broken my back trying to make this relationship work, because I have honestly felt God wanted me here. And I feel like everything has been for nothing. I feel like I have wasted more than two years of my life on a man who is a complete asshole and a disgrace to the human race. I say disgrace because of the way he treats me. It's truly disgraceful.

If this request doesn't come to pass, I'm finished with him for good.

New Beginnings

Sometimes moving on is easier said than done. It seems we find ourselves in places that we want to get out of, but we feel trapped because other possibilities are unknown. We can take a step of faith of the fear of failing is too great. If we fail, we lose, and we can't always go back to where we started. I know first hand how easy it is to be comfortable and stay in miserable jobs, relationships, groups, etc. just because staying is easier than taking a risk and failing.

I stayed in a job I hated beyond measure for two years because it was safe. They have a hard time keeping the people they have, so they don't typically fire anyone. That gave me comfort that I would have a job as long as I needed to work there. I say needed because I didn't really want to work there. It was a necessity to have a job, no matter how much I hated it. I was miserable, but I didn't have the nerve to leave. Now that I have finally found a new job, I feel liberated. It feels like I can do anything now. I feel empowered. I feel truly free.

It feels like the need for change, liberation, freedom is coming into my personal life now. It's touching my relationships. I'm finding there are relationships I want to build and nurture, while there are others I want to sever and cut away. There are some relationships I've severed on a whim, without much thought, that I'd like to rebuild. There are some "peripheral" relationships I'd like to explore a bit further just to see what the possibilities are.

I haven't been a good friend lately. I have kept to myself and haven't made myself available much. While I feel bad about it, there's nothing I can do to change the past. I'm working on building and nurturing my relationship with my BFF. She's always been there for me. There have been situations I wouldn't have made it through without her. I have another friend who lives in Tennessee. We've been friends for years, but we lost touch after she got married and moved away. We've gotten closer over the last year, and she's helped me a lot with my dad's passing. More and more I'm seeing how my closest friends are becoming closer. It's a time when I really need a close network.

There aren't many relationships I want to sever. I try not to burn too many bridges. There are some people I worked with at my last job I'd rather not speak to ever again. If I never saw them again, I wouldn't be sad. I have never quit a job without giving a notice, but it feels great to cut all ties to that office once and for all. There are some people I will miss and hope to keep in touch with, but I will never miss the stress and daily bullshit. I'm still thinking about whether I want to sever my relationship with my boyfriend. I need to do what's best for me, and right now I'm not sure what that is. I care about him very much. I'm concerned about what he's up to lately. I guess I should just let go and see what happens. Maybe things will turn around. If they don't, it's not meant to be.

I've been missing my friend Ryan for quite a while. He was always such a good friend to me. He listened when I needed to talk. At a very emotional time, he couldn't be there for me, and I took it personally. In my anger and hurt I broke off our friendship. I told him I couldn't be friends with him anymore. I wish I hadn't done that. I've lost a very dear friend because I was careless. It doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon, but I hope one day we will be friends again.

I have a lot of "peripheral" relationships at school. Most of them are with my classmates. A lot of them are extremely talented. Sometimes I wonder if there are any I could partner with to start a business. Then there's the one guy I wrote about yesterday. Sometimes I think I'd like to date him. There are many times I want to kiss him usually for no other reason than he has nice lips. (How immature is that??) Then I remind myself how the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Things look good with him from this angle, but I don't know if they really would be. The first time I saw him almost two years ago I was attracted to him. As I've gotten to know him, the attraction has grown. I don't know what it means. Maybe it means nothing.

I think at this point in my life I just want someone who loves me - truly loves me, who doesn't care what anyone thinks about us being together, who understands my busy-ness, who wants to spend time with me even if the only time some days is lunch, someone who makes me feel important to them and I never have to guess if he cares about me, someone who won't take everything I do for him and throw it in my face by being a complete asshole and pretending that anything I do is annoying - including doing nothing or saying nothing when I have no reason to say or do a thing. I want someone who will treat me with dignity and respect and give me the courtesy I deserve, the same dignity, respect, courtesy and care I extend to him.

Is that too much to ask?

What does it mean?

It's no surprise to anyone who really knows me that my boyfriend and I have some very big issues. I can't say that everything is his fault. I'm sure I'm to blame sometimes. I just don't understand why I put up with some of the things I do. He will go days, sometimes weeks without really talking to me.

Right now it has been about a week since we had a real connection. Feeling disconnected from him isn't as difficult as it once was. It isn't that I've gotten used to it. I haven't. I'm just fed up with him. I'm tired of the way he treats me, the way he ignores me. I've become numb to him, apathetic.

I believe in treating everyone with dignity and respect. Every human being deserves at least that much. That means treating people with courtesy, being honest with them, etc. There are times when I'm guilty of not doing this. For example, there is a man at church who really - I mean REALLY - creeps me out. I can't stand it when he speaks to me; I don't even like to look at him. He reminds me, somehow, of a pedophile.

But I digress ....

I don't mean to sound as though I think of myself more highly than I ought. However, I believe I have more to offer than what my boyfriend is willing to acknowledge at this time. So I'm pondering whether I should just break things off. Although, a part of me has already ended the relationship, nothing is official.

We've been together for about two years. If things aren't going to work out between us, I'd rather just get on my way and stop wasting time. I need to figure out what I'm willing to put up with and what I won't tolerate. I've been talking with friends who are married and finding out more about their relationships. I want to make an informed decision about remaining in this relationship. I've also taken a step back to observe and reflect on things.

Another thing I'm not sure about is interest in others. While I know it's natural to always find other people attractive, celebrities for example, I don't know when that attraction goes from being natural to dangerous. There is a guy at school to whom I'm very attracted. Sometimes we just sit and talk for hours about everything and nothing. It's all innocent. We've never even hugged, but sometimes I think about what it might be like if things were different between us. There's just something about him that feels comfortable and comforting, that makes me want to be close to him.

I suppose in time all thing will work themselves out. In a few weeks, I'll look back and see that some things are fixed, while others aren't. But I know that if my relationship ends, it won't be the end of the world or the end of me. I will pick myself up and move on. I won't be stifled.

New Job

My stress level dropped tremendously this week. A few weeks ago, I applied for a couple of jobs and was interviewed for both. First, I interviewed to be a receptionist. I met with three people who were highly professional in appearance, who asked me weird questions about myself and not about my qualifications for the job. As a result, I didn't feel it went well. I felt weird and uncomfortable, so I didn't feel positive about it. But that was ok because I didn't really want that job anyway. It seemed like I would still be surrounded by high maintenance, whiny primadonnas who demand everything be their way no matter what. I'm really not into ass kissing, but I really just wanted to find something to get me out of the job I had at the time. They said they would let me know their decision within a week. I thanked them for their time and consideration, and for the opportunity to interview with them.

The very next day, I interviewed for a tech support position - setting up and troubleshooting computers, projectors, etc. The two people I met with were much different from the three the day before. These two were relaxed, laid back, warm and friendly, which helped me to relax too. Things went well in the interview I thought. My schedule allows me to work when they need me, and I'm good with technology. I felt confident. This sounded like the perfect job for me - very low stress. They said they would let me know their decision in 3 days. I thanked them for their time and consideration and the opportunity to interview with them as well.

Today I received an email from the lady who called me for the first interview. It said they found someone to meet the qualifications for the position. I just about fell over laughing. I'm bewildered what sort of qualifications one needs to sit at a desk, answer a phone, use a copy machine, etc. The job consists of basic receptionist/secretarial duties. Honestly. I've done all that for a long time. I felt insulted. To be completely honest, I'm over qualified for that position. I simply responded that I'm glad they found someone who fulfills the needs of their department and that I already have another job anyway.

The day I was supposed to find out about the job I wanted came and went. My hopes and confidence began to wane and I felt that maybe I would just be stuck in the position from hell for another year. But the next day, I got a call that I was chosen for the tech position. I was so excited. They needed me to start fairly quickly, so I immediately quit the job I was in, and started yesterday.

I can't believe the difference. I can do anything I want while I'm at work, as long as my job is done. That means I can do my homework or surf the net, play games, even listen to music. Any of those things are grounds for dismissal in my last job. Surfing the web and playing games are things I can see as deal breakers or reasons to be fired, but not listening to music and definitely not homework. It's an on campus work-study position for crying out loud. Homework should definitely be allowed. There are few positions I can think of where it would be inappropriate to play music. If it is kept at a low volume so that pretty much no one else can hear it, no problem. I know a lot of people who work better when they have music playing in the background. I'm one of those people. Music makes the day go faster and the work easier.

I feel for my former co-workers. They are stuck in a bad situation, and none of them are willing to risk speaking up. I completely understand. If you speak up, you risk losing your job or being targeted in some way. That's neither fair nor appropriate. There should definitely be some sort of intervention. I've personally been to student employment about the situation, but I was told that unless I am (or the others were) willing to say something to our superior, there was nothing they could do - which seems a bit shady, especially when they told me that student employees in years past have come to them with the same problems, complaints and concerns. It's really not a good place to work while trying to get through school with a good GPA and juggling life. It has to be the most unreasonable and difficult student job I've ever encountered.

As a result of my new job, I am feeling better about myself and getting through my final year with my mind intact. I am getting caught up on my assignments too - mostly just reading. (Boy do I have a lot of reading to do this semester!!) Thankfully, I haven't missed anything that had to be turned in.

Stand Up To Cancer

Losing my dad this year to cancer has changed my life emensely. Cancer has always been nasty, but it's different now. It's personal. Cancer has changed my life. Watching my dad waste away right before my eyes is something I'll never forget.

Tonight I watched Stand Up 2 Cancer. I commend NBC, ABC & CBS for the hour they all came together in an effort to raise money for cancer research. I also commend Sydney Kimmel for donating $25 million. This is an important cause. So many people are touched by cancer personally - either they have it or someone they know and love has it.

I hope that through this concerted effort, much money is raised and talented researches will be able to find more effective treatments if not a cure. If you can afford to donate anything, even a dollar, give it. That dollar may be the difference in finding a cancer and not. Giving is easy, just go to the Stand Up 2 Cancer website.

Comfortably Numb

This is one of my all-time favorite songs. I love a lot of Pink Floyd songs, but this one is especially good to me. The music is awesome, but lately "comfortably numb" has become a good description of how I feel. Numbness is basically what I feel inside. Sometimes I feel numb almost to the point of feeling empty. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions of day-to-day life.

Some people don't understand what it's like to lose a parent. It would be unreasonable to expect them to when they haven't experienced it. However, I think I do expect people to have a bit more understanding. I guess now it seems a bit like common sense that losing a parent is a very difficult thing to deal with, that getting back to "life as normal" is often easier said than done. I wish my boss could understand that. She is so black and white most of the time. (I'm guilty of seeing things this way too.) I feel like she sees my situation like this: I've lost my dad. I should just get over it and get back to my normal routine without any glitches or problems. It doesn't work that way. I don't really have any explanation as to why it doesn't work that way. It just doesn't. Life isn't the same. It won't ever be. Part of me is missing. Part of me is gone. Part of me is dead. It is part of me because I am part of him. Part of him is in me. Sometimes it's difficult to look at myself in the mirror because I look like him. My eyes are the same, and I can't bear looking at them some days.

I really miss being able to call my dad whenever I felt like it, for no reason at all. I miss hearing his tales, his silliness, his fun-loving personality and his cooking. He loved to kid around and play jokes on people, and he loved to cook anything. Often he would read cookbooks or find recipes in the newspaper just to try something new and different.

Last weekend I visited his grave for the first time since he was buried. It was so difficult. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find it, but something strange happened when I got to the cemetery. As soon as I entered the gates, I felt overwhelmed. My emotions got the best of me, and I cried uncontrollably. I fought to gain my composure as I was driving and needed to be in control of myself. I didn't know where to go. I couldn't remember where he was buried. I said, "Daddy, help me find you." Then there was something like a pull in my gut that guided me and showed me where to stop.

This may be too weird and may be a bit difficult to believe or to read. But it's true. I don't know that it was really my dad that guided me, but I was able to find his final resting place with ease.

I placed a few flowers in the vase and knelt down on the ground next to his plot. I had been feeling like I just needed to talk to my dad. I felt weird about it because he's gone, but nothing I did made me feel any less like I needed to do this. So I began to talk, telling him everything I wished that I could talk to him about if he were alive. I really needed some advice that I knew only he could give me. I needed some relationship advice, and I needed to know what to do about some things.

To be honest, I didn't expect to get any answers from him. I really just thought that I was basically talking to the air and hoping that somehow he could hear me, that God would allow him to hear me. Somehow I have received the answers I needed. I believe that God has answered me, with or without my dad being a messenger.

I have a lot of things to do. School starts again next week, and I'll be very busy with my studies and projects. I have a good relationship with a good man. I just don't have much interest in actually doing stuff. I started back to the gym recently, and I'm hoping that working out regularly will help me get through this emotional state and also help with the stress that will come as the semester progresses. Nineteen credit hours is a huge load for one semester!

Today I had a busy day. I went to a get-together with my best friend. It was a lot of fun. After that we went shopping for some things I need for school - a portable external hard drive, a chill pad for my laptop, a new backpack, notebooks, pens, folders, a lock (for the gym) and a new iPod Shuffle (the clip-on kind).

Ok, so I don't need the iPod, but I could really use it at the gym. I have an iPod Nano, but it's inconvenient. I have to hold all the time. My workout clothes don't have any pockets. I do have one of those workout case things for it with a strap that goes around my arm, but I hate it. It's terribly uncomfortable. It isn't tight, but still it reminds me of a blood pressure cuff. This new one I can just clip on my shirt and not have to fuss with it. That makes me happy. =)