Too Many Irons

Life is piling up! I should have known graduate school would be too much for me right now. The truth is, I never dreamed there would be so much reading to do all the time. It's absolutely out of control. I didn't have to read like this for my undergaduate degree. Of course, I did something artsy and project oriented. My major wasn't "academic."

I never dreamed Human Computer Interaction would be so "nerdy." I knew it was a bit, but I didn't know that it would be to the level it is. My class has some extremely nerdy people in it. I thought it would be more project oriented. My psychology of HCI class is dreadful. I don't hate my classes, but I don't like them either.

I'm in a position where I need to choose something and get rid of it. I have a job I hate that I cannot get rid of because I need the money. I have an internship that is helping me hone my skills so I can get a job in my career field and get rid of the job I currently have. Then there's school. Finally, I have Dave who is supposed to be moving in with me in October, but I don't have a place to live at this point.

Last night, he said he was going to his sister's house, but today he says he went to the pub with his friend and got drunk. I feel very insecure about this. I have trust issues when it comes to him going out drinking. He kissed another female when he was out drunk a year ago. Sometimes I don't think he understands how much that hurt me. I broke up with him over it. Now, I am trying to chat with him on Skype and he doesn't answer. He'll only type. Absolutely fishy. He's calling me "your highness" and being condescending. In my mind, something is up.

I was thinking I should drop my classes, but maybe I should drop him. I feel very frustrated by and a bit angry with him.

I Need A Miracle

I really need a miracle financially. With so much coming down the pike, the chump change I make at my current job just won't cut it. What I need is to be hired full-time with a good salary at the place I'm interning. While I don't know if that will happen, I can always pray. I need a miracle.

I applied to for a position doing web design. It pays $40k. It would be amazing if I could get that job. It would be amazing if I could get full-time at my internship. Truth be told, I'd prefer to work at the internship. I know the environment is more what I want and I know that I get along well with the people. I love it there.

I was so ill in the night last night. I was up sick to my stomach the whole time. I had to phone in sick today. It really bothers me to do that, but I didn't have much choice.

I've been trying to do some homework and get ready for the upcoming week. I don't have my internship this week because I have to do some training at my paid job. Hopefully I will get a better, higher paying position and won't have to work there much longer.

Time Changes Everything

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I could say I've been busy or offer any of the dozens of excuses I can conjure up. The fact is: I couldn't be bothered. In the last four months, I've earned my bachelor degree, found a temporary job, started an internship and began the masters program in human computer interaction. I mentioned that my job is temporary. I don't work for an employment service or anything like that. I work directly for the company, but it's just a stop in the road. I make $8 and some change per hour. The economy is bad, the job market sucks, yadda yadda. I can suck it up for now.

I love my internship. I'm working for a local multimedia company. I'm doing exactly what I went to school for. I love it doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about it. I enjoy every moment there, even times when it's stressful and we have to work even harder and faster. It's amazing. I go in on my days off from my paid gig. Although I'm tired, I never feel like I don't want to go. I never wake up on those days and say, "Ugh! I don't want to go to work." I love waking up and feeling like I'm going to work and getting to do something I truly enjoy. I found out that I will most likely start getting paid for my internship - meaning it is turning into a part-time job. I'm absolutely thrilled!!! Right now there just isn't enough work to justify a full-time position. I can live with that - for now. I'm hoping that I can get approved for 30 hours per week at a minimum of $15 an hour and then be able to drop back to part time at my other job, working 15 - 20 hours per week.

Dave and I are still together, though we've not seen each other since January 13. He has been diagnosed with clinical depression, which explains his mood swings and behavior. He has been put on medication to help, but it hasn't been long enough for the medication to work. He's been off work for 4 weeks now. He has to go back to the doctor in two weeks for a check up. Hopefully the medication will work.

We're planning to be together permanently. He's coming here in October (fingers crossed) for three months. (Fingers crossed because I need my internship to be a paid position in order to afford a place for us to live.) If during the three months, we are still set on staying together, we're going to file papers for him to stay here and get married. We won't have a wedding at first. We don't have the money. We'll probably have an actual wedding within the next year when we can afford it.

I went to look at the apartments we want to live in. They are fabulous and just what I want. So hopefully I'll be moved in by the first of October - in time for Dave's arrival!

Life is busy, but I tend to like it that way. This was the first summer I didn't have classes. It was very nice until the first week was over. Then I became very bored! I'm looking forward to what life has in store. I'm looking forward to living life with Dave and to meeting all the new challenges head-on.

Resolving the Revolving Door

I have come to realize and am learning to accept that some things never change. For nearly three years, I have run round and round the revolving door of my relationship with Dave, and it has only left me beating my head against the same wall.

I have wanted him to change his nastiness, to become nicer and more loving. However, he is unmoved, unwavering in his ways. He continues on. Lately, I've been tracking his moods. It seems that every eighth day he has a blow up at me for no reason. Two weeks and two days ago he blew up at me for calling him when I told him I would be calling. He wasn't busy. I wasn't interrupting him. One week and one day ago, he blew up at me because I asked him a question when he was getting ready to go to bed. It wasn't involved, but the fact that I said anything other than goodnight was the gravest sin. Today, I have been working on some projects at school, and I logged into an IM program. He wasn't on, and since he's on vacation this week, I wondered where he might be. So, I logged into the game we play together to see if he was on there. He was. I said hi to him and asked how come wasn't logged in the IM. No response. I thought that it was possible that he could have been accidentally logged out. This supposedly happned a couple of days ago. So when he didn't answer on the game, I typed "hello" in all caps and with several O's to get his attention.

Well he was instantly pissy. To him, I was demanding an answer. To me, I had only asked a simple question. From my perspective, there was nothing wrong with asking him why is wasn't on Yahoo. He normally is. That's his "routine."

As a result of the tracking I've done and reflecting on the last few years, I believe that he really does have bipolar disorder. He goes from really high highs to really low lows. The low lows are blow ups and complete explosions of temper. It is unbelieveable. He is unwilling to change, unwilling to give.

I've struggled with my decision to leave for quite some time. I think, truly, that even though I don't want to be single and I don't want to be without him, that I would be happier without him. Seriously. I wouldn't have to deal with the crap that i have to deal with week in and week out. I can't stand being with someone who thinks the world revolves around him and then projects that on me. Maybe I really should just leave the relationship. It would resolve the revolving door issue.

Learning About Love

I'm learning about myself and maybe just how I feel about Dave. I was trying to work things out for myself earlier today. I think what I've come up with is: I love him dearly, but I don't necessarily want to be with him in a romantic way. I feel like I want someone who gives me a bit more attention, who makes me feel like I'm important to him and an important part of his life, someone who has some goals and ambition in life. He has been doing pretty well so far with the way he's treating me.. Of course, I've been home for nearly a month. This time is going fairly well. If he holds out not being a jackass to me, maybe everything else can sort out too.

I've lost almost 12 pounds, although, tomorrow is the official weigh in. So I may have lost more or less depending. I figure I will try this one last time with him. If I can lose a significant amount of weight and get to a comfortable size (for me), maybe he will pay more attention to me, be more affectionate, etc. If he isn't, I may just have to hang it up with him. I'm doing this - losing weight - for me, not him. If he doesn't give me what I want and feel I deserve, I can find someone else. I just don't know when I'll be able to go back for an extended stay. I was thinking maybe Christmas again, but I may have a "real job" by then. Although, with the economy and job market as they are, I could conceivably be working for a temporary agency and not have a position set in stone. It would be optimal to be able to live in England and see how he is full time, when we both have jobs and pressures of life. I would be willing to try that out with him for six months.

On the other hand, I've decided that if someone here takes interest in me and I decide to date him or if someone there takes interest in him and he decides to date her, that's ok. It will just mean we're not meant for one another. I will do my best to be happy for him and hope he's happy for me. Since we lived together for 28 days, I have been yearning for the same type of setup. I want to find someone, Dave or someone else, with whom to live and spend my life. I want to settle down - soon.

I'm Lovin' It!

I've been watching The Big Bang Theory and am absolutely loving it! I finished the first season today and watched a few episodes of season two. All my homework for the week is finished! I have to say that I'm thoroughly enjoying getting my work done a little bit at a time. It helps to keep stress at a minimum. I hope I don't see the stressful periods this semester like I have in previous ones. It looks like this week is going to be pretty light. I've gotten most things done already, so that makes me happy. I like working ahead. I'm ready to graduate.

Tomorrow is the start of boxing. I am SO excited. It's been so long since I've truly worked out. I hope that I can keep up and everything goes well. I will just do my best. That's all I can ask for.

I didn't hear from Dave today, but I know he had plans to go out with his friends to watch the Liverpool match at The Wheatpieces and go for an indian. So I didn't expect to hear from him really.

It's Superbowl Sunday, and I'm not interested. Heh. It's weird how I've lost interest even in the commercials. I just want to get finished with this semester and graduate. Then hopefully I Dave and I can spend a couple of months together in the summer....and maybe secretly get married while I'm there. =) We'll see. Only time will tell.

Lovely Day

This was a really good day. I got pretty much all my homework done. All that's left to do for this week is read one chapter in my PHP book. I have even completed some assignments that are due next week. FANTASTIC!!! I like working ahead. It will come in handy in the future, I'm sure.

Things with Dave went well today. I miss him a lot. I miss cuddling with him. I miss everything, except being a maid. However, I do love cooking for us. And I love making sure our house feels like a home. And of course, I love sex with him. I do really love him. I need a way to be with him permanently.

This evening, I started watching The Big Bang Theory online. I found a site that has all the season one episodes. I have laughed so much. It's really a great show. Dave has been watching it the last week and has said raved about it. I thought I'd try it out. I'm glad I did.

I'm really excited about my weightloss too. I weighed in today at 299.4 lbs. That's nearly 11 lbs. in less than two weeks! Monday I start boxing. I'm super excited about seeing my old friends and getting in a great workout.

Waking Up In Love

This morning I woke up thinking of Dave. I wished we were together and asked God how that could happen for us. I wish it could be easier than it is to be together, to immigrate into the UK or for him to come to the US. I wish he had a real desire to come here. I would like my family to get to know him like his family got to know me while I was there. I spent significant time with them on a few occasions. They really like me. I need to know if my family like him. That's important to me.

I have this huge desire to win the lottery so I can have all the resources I need at my disposal - money. I could pay off all my debts and afford a place to live. Additionally, I could easily pay for the additional education I want - MS Human Computer Interaction. I could live in England if I could prove I can support myself. The government wouldn't care.

If I did win a significant amount of money from the lottery, I wouldn't just spend it on myself. I certainly would help my mother and my brother. I'd probably even give some to my step brothers. I'm not sure how much some of them need, but I'd help them out in some ways, I'm sure. I wouldn't invest a lot at this point. The market is too unstable, but I think the investments I'd take would be more secure, like CDs and Money Market Accounts. I'd use the money to do good, to help those in need - donating to charities and research projects to cure diseases such as cancer and lupus.

With my education, I would want to start a company that creates learning tools - affordable ones - to help people learn or relearn tasks - cognitive, life skills, health information, proper diet and nutrition, etc. I would market some things to schools and some to hospitals and rehab centers.

Ahhh... If I had lots of money, my life would be easier in so many ways. But I'm sure that the money would complicate it in other ways.

Confidently Unsure

I don't know what makes things happen the way they do or why I can feel so confident on moment and so insecure the next. This bizarre phenomenon is most apparent in my relationship with Dave. Things are so roller coaster with him. I'm not sure if it's me or him or both of us. I tend to say that things are much better when we're together and that he doesn't treat me badly. I guess that's somewhat true. But if I'm totally honest with myself, the only difference is that we're together, in person and I can see if he's busy and I can read his body language and can guage whether I should leave him alone - for the most part.

Yesterday, we had a huge plummet. I figured he was in a pissy mood from the time I got to work and saw he was online. When I asked him, he said he wasn't, so I just let it go. When I got home from work, we were semi-chatting, but he was playing WOW and wasn't paying me much attention. I was annoyed by that. So I just said I would leave him be. I did for a while and tried phoning just to say hi. That backfired. He was very annoyed with me.

The thing is.... I don't think I want someone like Dave for the rest of my life. He had great qualities, but I feel like he wants me to take care of him. There is a part of me that enjoys that, but I don't want to be his mother - cooking for him and cleaning up after him for the rest of my life. When I was in England with him in December/January, that's mainly what I did. I cooked, I cleaned, I ran his baths. Sometimes I feel like the only thing I didn't do was wipe his ass. And no matter what I did, I didn't get treated the way I want to be treated. I wanted him to praise me and make me feel like I am priceless to him, that I am the best and that he truly loves me above any other.

I don't know which way is right. I do truly love him, but he is in my way. He wants to do his own thing, even when I'm around. I want someone who falls all over me, someone who feels about me the way Ryan Noel feels about Sarah, which is pretty amazing.

Sometimes it seems like he just doesn't want to be alone anymore, so he is with me, even at a distance. He doesn't want anyone to know that we're "together." That would be too embarrassing for him. Afterall, I am a fat chick, and dating fat chicks is unacceptable.

I feel like I want to be free. Free to do my own thing. Free to find a job wherever I want. Free to make the choices I think are best for me. And in some regards, free from him. I don't want to be tied down to someone who can take care of himself, but would rather have a woman do that for him. If we were to take this relationship to the next level - living together, I would be in charge of all finances. To some extent, I am comfortable with that. However, I'm uncomfortable with knowing that he doesn't truly know how to manage money and that he doesn't know how to control his spending. I realize I do spend on some things I don't need and that's ok in moderation. He had ZERO money in the bank and bought new computer. I couldn't believe it. He didn't NEED it. He could have waited. Clarification: He did need it but not urgently.

I don't know. For a long time, I have believed that in a relationship both parties should know how to take care of everything in case something happens to either person and the one left has to do everything for himself or herself. The fact that Dave is severely lacking in the fiscal responsibility arena is made more alarming by my mom's cousing, David, who recently lost his wife. She did EVERYTHING for David and now he doesn't know how to do anything for himself except feed, bathe, and dress himself. He doesn't know how to pay bills, budget money or anything like that. I will say that David is slow. He's not very bright at all, whereas Dave is very smart. He does understand most things.

Financially, what irks me the most is that he goes to Liverpool games when he can't afford them. He would rather go without food (a necessity) than miss a match. I think his top three priorities are: Liverpool, the internet and television. I believe he works just so he can have those three things.

I sometimes try to envision myself living with him and working. Here is what I've come up with: We live in his two bedroom flat. He continues working at the supermarket. I have a job making £30,000 (minimum) doing Flash or something really cool I like. We get a nice bedroom suit. I paint the bedroom and make it cozy. We paint the livingroom, get new furniture, some bookcases, entertainment center, etc. We get a good fridge for the kitchen and a washer/dryer that has a dryer that actually works. I get along well with his family. His sister and I become great friends. We hang out. Dave is doting. He loves me more than anything. Eventually, we buy a house. Here is where my vision ends.

I don't know if I would be happy there. I don't know anyone other than Dave and his family. I don't have any family of my own there. If things didn't work out with him, I'd be stuck. It isn't that I can't make friends. I can. I know I can, and I know I would. I just don't know if I truly want to give up everything I have at home to go there. I would much rather he be the one to make the move.

I could probably continue to go on and on, but I'll stop here. I am confident that, after more than 2.5 years, I'm unsure about my relationship with Dave. Sad.

Hypnotyzing Weight Loss & Other Stuff

So like most people, I want to lose weight this year. I've done it before, and I'm gonna do it again. This time it's more intentional than the last. If I want to have a real shot at being with Dave, I have to lose the weight. I know I have to make a choice - the weight or the relationship. I can't have both. He's made that clear.

He's never mean to me about it. I can tell he does genuinely care about me and my healthy. He tells me he just wants me to be healthy. We have made a deal, so to speak. He has to get his sexy chest back and the dimples in his lower back. Those are the two things that were sexiest on him. I have to lose weight period. He wants me around 9 stone (126 lbs.). I think when I am at my goal, it will be more like 10 stone (140 lbs.). I think just losing 100 lbs. will make me feel so much better.

So to get where I need/want to be, I'm making some extreme choices. I'm going back to boxing the first week of February. (Fees are due the first week, and I came back from England in the middle of the second week of January. So this month is out.) Being so busy with an overloaded class schedule, I don't have a lot of time to make it to the gym. But going to the boxing studio a couple of times a week will help a lot and give me accountability. I've also made a choice on how to affect my eating in the meantime.

So what's the extreme choice I made to affect my eating? I went to a hypnotist. I've tried just about everything to lose weight, except what I did this week. My brother and his wife went with me. She went to the weight loss session with me and he went to the smoking cessation one. So far I've lost 7 pounds. That's very exciting considering the session was at 8 p.m. Tuesday.

It's been sort of weird. I don't remember how many things taste. I have no clue what ice cream, cake, chocolate, cookies or pudding tastes like. I only know that from the past I love that stuff and could easily eat loads of it. I have pretty much no desire to eat any of it anyway. Sometimes, out of habit, I open the freezer for the ice cream, but when I look at the carton, the feeling inside is empty. It's like I've never had it before, even though I know I've had it thousands of times.

Another strange thing that happened is that I eat very slowly. I try to eat faster because it seems like I'm taking too long. But I can't. It makes me feel sick. I had two boiled eggs and two pieces of toast the other morning for breakfast. It took me nearly 20 minutes to eat. Normally, I'd be done with that in 10 minutes or less. At dinner tonight, I ate every bit as slow as my mother who just had dental implants on Monday and can hardly chew anything at this point.

I'm not interested in food. In a way, that makes me sad. Food has been very meaningful to me. It has been my friend and my comfort and it is also a reminder of my dad. Being with my dad revolved around food. He loved to cook and loved to feed. It made him happy to see people eat and enjoy what they were eating. More positively, I am happy that I have lost interest in food because I don't obsess over it. I don't think about when I'm going to eat or what I'm going to eat. I feel full more quickly, and I can't eat nearly what I thought I could. Amazing.

And It Starts Again....

The drama has started again. Less than a week after arriving in England, Dave and I are fighting like always. He's calling me names - idiot, weirdo, etc. And I'm reduced to tears. Why did he want me to come here?? Why did he want me to spend Christmas with him?

It all started today when I asked him what is on for Christmas Eve. He answered, "Gettin' drunk." When I asked for clarification, I was told that he would be going out with his co-workers to get drunk, leaving me here in this apartment all alone with no one. When I said I don't want to be alone on Christmas Eve, he got very rude, calling me an idiot, saying this is why he doesn't have relationships because he doesn't like being told what to do. I never said he couldn't go. It would be nice to be invited to go along. But when I said that, he said there was no way, that by the time he got me and got back to where they were having drinks, everyone would be gone home.

It occurred to me that the only reason he doesn't do relationships is that he has no interest in compromising, in thinking of someone other than himself when making plans or decisions. He only wants to be selfish, to think of himself and what he wants and not give a care for anyone else. One day he's going to realize what he's missing out on.

So if I'm guilty of being an idiot, it's only for coming here and not staying home with my family. Again, I have poured myself into something that doesn't exist, into someone who doesn't truly want me. He only wants me in his way, when it's convenient for him. I am a fool - for thinking this could possibly work. I am an idiot - for even trying with him. I am stupid- for leaving my family during the holidays, especially for the first Christmas after my dad passed away. I should have stayed home. I should be with my family. I should be with my brother. We should be together. Instead, I am here with a selfish, lunatic.

Since I have been here, I have done little more than cook and clean up after him. What appreciation do I get? I get called names and demoralized. While he's not stupid, at this rate, I'm smarter than he'll ever be. I'm feeling the anger and rage from September rising up in me, the same anger and rage that came forth from me telling him off, calling him a loser and telling him he'll never be anything more than a drunken butcher.

While I hate to admit it, I think it's true, at least in part. He refuses to grow up. The girl he was supposedly "possibly dating" is only 20 years old. ?????? What? He's nearly 32 years old! What the frick?! Oh but he says she "did his head in" and that "she's so immature." What did he expect??? And why would he even consider dating someone that much younger than him. Although, I expected she would be quite a lot younger than him when he said one of his co-worker's said her friend likes him. Pfft. Most of his co-workers are 18-23, working their way through college or university. Most of them don't want a career in the supermarket.

Some people don't have potential and so they end up working in grocery stores, gas stations, etc. We need these workers. But there are also people who do have potential, who can go far beyond that, but they never do. They never try. I was one of those people. And to an extent, I still am. But I'm working hard to get things in order so I can go far, so I can excel and be someone who can say I got my education, I attained my educational goals and I reached to the limits of my learning ability. I don't want to feel like a loser in my own sight. At the end of the day, all that matters is how I feel about myself.

Does He Want Me Back?

For the last week or so Dave has been contacting me regularly. Last Friday, he sent me a text message saying that he hadn't seen me online in a while and wondered if I am ok. Why does he care? Honestly, he is the reason I don't go online so much. He is the reason I backed away. He was so uncaring and unkind toward me. I know I said some really mean things to him, and I am sorry for that. He's never apologized to me.

On Monday, he sent me mail on one of the social networking sites asking me if I still plan to go over there next month. What the frick?! I explained that I still have my ticket, but I have no money for food, and since he said I couldn't stay with him, I would have no place to stay. He said am welcome to stay with him. I said I would think about it.

Yesterday, I told him I would come over. He then sent me a message about working out my rent payments when I get there. Immediately, my mind flashed to what he wants. The first thought is sexual favors, which I'm not into. When we talked about it, he said he wanted me to "suck [his] cock." When asked what was in it for me, he said "licks and some sex." That isn't what I want. I want a relationship with someone who will love me and respect me, not use me for sex and move along. I explained there would be no sex without a relationship. He said he doesn't like the distance and that he feels the only way around the distance issue is for one of us to win the lottery. So my option for "rent" is to do his housework. I guess it wouldn't bad. He's really not a slob. He doesn't like messes. And it's the least I can do to stay there for free and be fed.

Last night when we were chatting on messenger, he was so flirty and playful the way I remember him. I had fun, but it just feels like there's something missing. I expect I don't really trust him to not use me. We could have had something very special, something to last forever. I'm not sure that's possible now.

So why is he "after me"? Why is he asking me to still come to England and spend the holidays with him and his family? Why does he want to be intimate with me? Does he love me? Does he think his family won't wonder if there's something more between us than a friendship if I come over 3k miles to spend time with him during the holidays? They may not be educated people, as in not have college degrees, but I'm sure they aren't idiots. Surely they have common sense. Surely they know we aren't just friends, or that we weren't. As for the sex, I expect I must be pretty good at it if he wants it still, and I know he's pretty good at it. The sex I had with him is by far the best I ever had.

I don't want to be a fool. I don't want to be stupid or an idiot. I don't want to do something I will regret. I won't regret going there, but I would regret sex with him under the current circumstances.

So does he want me back or does he just want me for sex?

I'm Not Stupid, But I Still Don't Get It.

This entry is bound to be a total rant. I work in a very small department. I am the only student worker. Everyone treats me just like part of the department except Bill. He obviously has issues with whoever holds the position I'm in. From what I've heard, he doesn't typically speak to that person, he doesn't want them in the main office unless absolutely necessary. I think he's crap. Last week, he brought David and Jason some homemade cookies with a little Halloween note on their packs. Terri was out on a business. I didn't get anything, not even a note! WTF??? Do I not exist in his mind? I was tempted to ask him why he excluded me. Today I am in the main office because there is a class being held where I'm supposed to sit. He opened the door, and with a scowl on his face asked me if there was a class being held in there today. I answered there was. He turned around and walked away. He has nothing to say to me. He acts like I'm nothing more than a peon who deserves nothing - a work peasant. I'm lowly in his eyes, I guess. The proud will come to ruin. Pride comes before the fall.

Day Two - Stinky Man On A Crowded Bus

So I rode the bus again today. It's day two of my Public Transportation System Experiment (PTSE). I was considering driving today because I didn't sleep well last night, and I have to be here until after 8:30 p.m. That's a long time to be here, and I wanted the option of a "quick escape."

The bus I caught today is one time slot earlier than the one I took yesterday. It was pretty full too. It picked me up around 6:45 a.m. Just before entering downtown, there was standing room only, but I brought a book and read it until just before the downtown exchange stop.

I realized just how snobby I on the inbound route. About halfway to town, a very smelly man sat between me and another girl. It was a tight fit, but he squeezed himself between us. I thought I would be sick. He smelled a bit sour, with a hint of dead fish. I don't know whether he was homeless; I tried not to look at him. Instead, I tried to concentrate on my book and not breathe in too deeply. I got off one stop before I planned to because of his stench.

Overall, I enjoyed my commute and look forward to the ride home today.

I Didn't Forget the Election

I know the election news is all the buzz today. All the newspapers at school are gone. I didn't even get ONE PAPER! All the New York Times, all the USA Todays, all the Indianapolis Stars, everything is gone. These law students are newspaper piglets!!! There are ALWAYS loads of papers left, even at noon, but not today. Looks like my cheap ass will have to buy them, unless I can find them in another building.

So Barack Obama won yesterdays election by a landslide. According to CBSnews.com, Obama won an estimated 349 electoral votes to McCain's 160. This was no doubt an historical event. We were either going to have the oldest president ever, or we would make an even bigger splash in history by electing the first black president. I feel very blessed and proud to have been able to vote in such an exciting election.

I personally voted for Obama. Although I wasn't overly impressed with either candidate, I felt that Barack Obama was a much better choice than McCain because he is younger, not set in his ways making him open to change, and he's articulate. I don't particularly care for Joe Biden, but I do think he is better than Sarah Palin. For me, it's important for our President to not only be intelligent, but he or she must also sound intelligent. It is important to me for the President to be articulate. Palin reminds me of an ignorant hillbilly when she talks, as does McCain who also reminds me of a robot whose eyes are either stuck wide open or blinking a thousand times per minute. Annoying either way. I hate to be annoyed. I've been annoyed for eight years by George W. Bush, who encompasses everything I don't want in a President.

During the debates McCain didn't make sense to me. He constantly said he knew how to change things, how to fix them, but he never really said how he planned to do that. The how is important. Obama, on the otherhand, put his ideas on the table. He gave us something, which is much more than McCain's nothing. When you know what you're getting yourself into, it's easier to go for it than going into something blindly.

Ultimately, what it came down to for me is this morbid idea: McCain has one foot in the grave, so to speak. If he dies while in office, is Sarah Palin qualified to be President? Would I be comfortable with her as President? If Barack Obama is elected, he may be assassinated by ignorant white supremacists. If that were to happen, would I be confident in Joe Biden's ability to run this country?

Many of my "Christian" friends voted for McCain because they're afraid of Obama. They think he might be the Antichrist. WTF?! How "Christian" is that??? It's people like these who turn others away from the faith. Let's judge a perfectly good candidate and call him the Antichrist when we have no way of knowing this information. It makes no sense, it's ridiculous, and it's completely appalling!

Extra Parking Space at IUPUI

Today IUPUI has an extra parking space on campus all because I chose to take the bus. It wasn't until yesterday that I decided to use public transportation. I've been trying to think of ways to cut back on my spending and how I can make a difference in this world.

I'm not good with recycling. To be honest, I wish I was more earth conscious when it comes to recyclables. I buy bottled water, but I throw the bottles in the trash instead of saving them and finding a place to drop them off to be reused. I throw all paper in the trash - shredded and unshredded. I'm not much of a soda drinker, but we do have canned drinks at home. The empties go in the bin too. My household just isn't very green minded.

At IUPUI, students can get an S-Pass to ride Indygo buses for free. The only requirement is showing a student ID when bording. I've had my pass since The end of July, but never felt like using it.

I learned some things this morning. First, I should have worn more comfortable walking shoes. I'm wearing flip-flops today. It's going to be 75 degrees today, afterall, and I was trying to be prepared for this. Tomorrow, I will definitely have to make the adjustment. Maybe I wear tennis shoes to campus and change my to something better later. Although, colder weather is on its way, so I doubt I need to worry about this much.

Secondly, I need to see if there is a stop a little closer to my home. I had to walk about three or four extra blocks from where I remember the closest stop being. Maybe the sign is just missing right now. I should call the bus company and ask.

Thirdly, I need a more efficient way of carrying things. I have my backpack, which holds quite a lot, but it is full of stuff for school. I ned to carry my colored pencils and markers, but the box they're in is awkward, so I put it in my backpack, which made it all the way full. If I had to bring actual books today, I'd have been sunk. I'll have to see if I can find some sort of smaller, more flexible container for my pens and pencils.

Fourthly, I need to take a book or something else to do while I ride. About halfway to campus, I remembered I had my iPod in my backpack. Today I just looked around at the things I miss during my normal morning commute. The buses I rode today take the same general path as I normally do, with a few exceptions - it takes longer and they route through downtown is a bit different, plus I have go around the campus and back to get to my final stop. No complaints though.

Lastly, and probably most importantly, I loved taking the bus this morning. I got a little bit of exercise first off this morning. It's about a half a mile or so to the busstop, which isn't much, but I wouldn't ordinarily do that. I'm considering buying a bicycle in the spring to ride to campus or at least part of the way. The bike I have now has issues. The tires always lose air. I've had the innertubes replaced and the bands that go round the inside of the rims, but that didn't work. They just keep losing air. I can ride it and it's fine. Let it sit for a couple of days and both wheels are flat.

Today I am having lunch with one of my good friends downtown. I have already determined how I can get to my destination by bus. I'm very excited about this. I thought about asking her for a lift home, but I think I will just take the bus. Why not? It's a good time to just sit and relax. Plus, I get a bit of exercise I wouldn't normally get.

Musical Mood

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town, another everything
But it's always back to you
Stumble out in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up Baby
Give it up, give it up now, now

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time
But its time that I'm wasting
I always turn the car around

How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around

~Shattered, OAR

This song pretty well describes how I feel about my break-up with Dave. I'm doing really well on my own. I'm focused more on my classes and things are just more relaxed for me in general. I don't have to worry about spending time with him or whether he's going to be pissed off at me for no reason. But there are times when I really miss him and would like to be with him. He has a lot of really good qualities, but they are often overshadowed by his lack of basic respect and courtesy for me. It's nothing that can't be remedied. He has to recognize there is something wrong in him first. I can't do all the work.

I especially like the line that says, All that I feel is the realness I'm faking, taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting. That's how I feel about my life a lot of times. I want to be truly happy and fulfilled, but often I don't quite feel it, so I fake it. I put on a happy face and go on. I'm taking my time through life, doing things in my thirties that most people finish in their early twenties. I've yet to find a man worthy of marrying. I feel like I'm wasting time - stuck.


Love, love L-O-V-E this Snow Patrol song:

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

~Run, Snow Patrol

Favorite lines emphasized

Symbolically Challenged

I'm four chapters behind in my symbolic logic class. I've been struggling to get caught up the last two weeks, but the harder I try to get ahead the more I feel stuck. I'm spinning my wheels, running in place and I can't get passed chapter four!

I get the rules. I see them, and while they don't make a whole lot of sense, I do understand them enough to apply them - at least I think I do. It's just when I get to the derivations of disjunction elimination I get a 'deer caught in the headlights,' glazed over look of confusion.

The first part I can do, no problem. After that, though, I'm completely lost. Looks like I'll be spending my Saturday in the lab working on symbolic logic and getting help from the class assistants.

Deep Thoughts

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand
"Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in
The turning away"
It's a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting it's shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that we're all alone
In the dream of the proud
On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
Mesmerized as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night
No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away?

~On The Turning Away, Pink Floyd

Feelings I Don't Understand

I've been thinking of my ex a lot the last week. We've only been broken up a few weeks, but I didn't think of him too much until lately. In light of how he treated me, especially toward the end, I thought it would be easy to move on, especially, still, once I realized I felt so happy without him. So what's the problem?

I'm not sure, to be honest. I love my new found freedoms. I can come and go as I please. I don't have to be tied to him or any communication devices. I can concentrate on my studies, and I'm free to choose a graduate school and program at will. But something is missing.

I miss him. I miss his good qualities. I miss our talks, his jokes and sense of humor. I miss planning our future together. I miss feeling like I had a future with someone. I miss hearing (or reading) his I love yous. I miss sleeping with him, turning over in bed and feeling him move close behind, put his arms around me and hold me. I miss taking roadtrips and vacations with him. We always went on awesome vacations. We had fun together. I don't know when that stopped or whose fault it was. There is no use in laying blame. I'm sure we both did things that were wrong or inappropriate.

At times I don't understand my expectations or why they are so high. In fact, they are close to perfection in some instances. I think I expect to be the center of attention, at least on a sub-conscious level. Sometimes I know I am wanting attention, other times I don't realize it. I want things my way, but I do know how to compromise.

All of this to say: I think I want him back. If he were to come to me tomorrow and ask if we could try again, I think I would agree to it. Does that make me stupid? A fool? An idiot?

Joy Rising

There are changes going on inside me. I'm much more focused, and I'm happier than I have in a long time. One of the most amazing things happened to me today - I thought of my dad and smiled.

I've been trying to get caught up on reading for one of my classes. There are three different books that are being used in this particular class. I've been focusing on one book in particular because it has the most readings assigned to it. I got a different book out today. I forgot I had started reading it a few weeks ago. Right where I left off was my bookmark. It has a poem on one side and my dad's obituary on the other. I smiled as I read the short blurb of his life for the nth time.

While hot tears still fill my eyes and could easily stain my cheeks, the love I feel for him is more powerful than the pain I feel from losing him and thoughts of never seeing him again.

I feel hopeful that things will continue to get better, that I will make it through this - one of the darkest times of my life. I have my drive and a little bit of my pep back. I'm looking forward to graduating in May and trying to decide on the next step - grad school, law school or just get a job and be done with it for a while.

Listless

I really should be sleeping right now, but my mind won't rest. I keep thinking about things that aren't important and some things that should be important but aren't. I'm feeling listless.

Miriam Webster's online dictionary defines the word listless as follows:

listless

Main Entry:

list·less

Pronunciation:

\ˈlist-ləs\

Function:

adjective

Etymology:

Middle English listles, from ²list

Date:

15th century

: characterized by lack of interest, energy, or spirit

Lately, that is a very accurate description of me. I don't have a much interest in much of anything. I feel very apathetic about most things. But I have found listless is the best adjective for describing me.

My spirit is bruised and broken. I'm the type of person who thrives on music of all sorts, who uses music to work through things in life, but even music is empty to me. While I like it, it doesn't sing to me the way it once did. It doesn't speak to me words of wisdom or words of truth anymore. I don't connect with it.

This listless state is hitting me especially hard academically. While I'm not failing any classes, I have no desire to go to school. It's a real chore to make myself go to class. My focus is lost. I forget about my assignments until the last minute. I feel like I'm floating off somewhere mentally. My drive is gone. I don't want to quit. I really want to continue. I just feel stuck. I feel like I need life to stop for just a little while so I can catch up.

I keep thinking how lucky I am to be in school right now. I don't have to work forty hours or more each week. I don't even have to put in eight hours of work any day, unless you count class time and homework. Mondays I go ten to eleven hours straight. Thursdays are even worse, depending on if I can go home between work and class. There can be up to fourteen hours between the time I get to school and the time I leave. If I had a full-time job right now, I'd be really bad off.

I've been thinking about attending a bereavement program. I don't really want to sit in front of a group of people and cry my eyes out week after week, but, at the same time, I can't continue going through life so lost and depressed. My dad would be very upset with me to know I've let his passing affect me this way. He would want me to get on with my life and to live it as fully as possible. He wouldn't want me to forget about him, but he wouldn't want me to dwell on things the way I do.

I can't escape my feeling of loss. It isn't that I don't think anyone else doesn't hasn't, won't ever felt this way. I feel this way, and I don't know what to do about it. I had a good cry tonight. That sometimes helps. It did tonight, which is a relief, but I know it isn't enough. I need to do something more to get through my grief.

We're Not As Different As We Seem

I thought my entry today would be about The Office Season Premiere, but something happened after I "came to bed" that changed my mind.

I had a chat with one of my old high school classmates. She and I have been connected on Facebook for a few months, but we've never chatted or messaged each other. I decided to just say hello and see how she's doing after all this time. I never expected to get what I got.

I remember her being so smart and so involved in extra-curricular activities. I think she was theatre and in show choir. She always seemed so shy though. She was a couple of years ahead of me, so I just thought maybe she didn't talk to me a lot because I was younger. I guess that wasn't the case at all.

Tonight, she explained that she was embarrassed of her situation, that her family didn't have money. As a result she didn't have the best clothes or the most fashionable things. A lot of what she said resounded deep within me.

I remember feeling embarrassed to go to school. My mom didn't have much money to spend on clothes or shoes. All I had was very basic - jeans, shirts, tennis shoes, a pair of black dress shoes and one dress. My clothes were hideous. I'm more embarrassed today than I was then. I don't blame my mom; she did the best she could. It's just that it's difficult to get through some of the toughest years of your life when you've only got the very basic things.

I'm thankful for those difficult times. They have helped shape me into the person I am today. They have made me stronger in some regards. In other ways, I am not so sure that it didn't wreck me a bit. I don't like to pay much for clothes. Nice clothes are a bit more costly than cheap ones. I like how I look and feel in the nicer ones. I just hate spending the money.

Memories of those times also make me question having children - ever. I'd hate to end up a single mother struggling to put food on the table, let alone trying to give my children nice clothes. It wouldn't be any better to be married and still be struggling this way.

Memories of my dad and how he wasn't there for me when I was growing up leave me questioning men to this day. I question their motives, their honesty. I have been known to do a bit of checking up on boyfriends just to make sure they were doing what they said they were doing. When they weren't, that's a bad thing. They lied. It ends up being a fight. My last boyfriend, often did stuff like that. I caught him in many lies. Cheating was the final straw. I don't share men. I don't abide a cheat.

After speaking with my friend, I realize that we all get up in the morning and put our faces on - whatever face we want to show the world. We go about our days showing people the person we want them to see. All the while, we might be crying inside, desperate for someone to reach out to us, to just let us know we're not alone in this crazy, confusing, messed up world we live in.

In the end, we're not as different as we seem.

Thoughts on Lesbianism and Homosexuality in General

In my last post I mentioned that I have the option of turning lesbian. The truth is I'm not so sure that's really an option. I find some women alluring physically. It's particular shapes and lines I find sexy. I like curvy-ness. Sometimes I fantasize about women, what it would be like, but I stop short of doing anything sexual. It never goes further than slight cuddling. For whatever reason, I can't even picture myself kissing a girl. It turns my stomach.

I don't agree with the homosexual lifestyle. I don't believe that God created us to be with someone of the same sex. I believe He created male and female of every species to procreate. Two women or two men don't work out that plan; it's completely impossible.

That said, I think homosexuals are very accepting people. I like them and even have some as gay friends. I really like them as people, but I do disagree with their lifestyle. I guess I just try and love them with the love of Christ and not sit in judgment of them. I want them to see Jesus in me and not the hatred so many people commit in His name.

I could never be a lesbian. The thought of me being sexually involved with another woman makes me physically ill.

The Emotional War Inside

Things blew completely to hell today. My boyfriend and I finally broke up. I found out he's decided (deciding) to date someone else. He has no regard for me. While I shouldn't be surprised, I do feel a huge sense of loss. To be honest, I don't know what I was expecting. I called him a drunken loser. I admit that wasn't a very nice thing to say. I was very angry and deeply hurt. I still am. Even though I said it in anger, part of me feels that way about him. He doesn't try to do anything to better himself education wise so he can have a better job and he is constantly getting drunk. He is apparently drunk tonight. His mother is an alcoholic, and he's always complaining about how much he hates it. What room has he to talk about her? He's just as bad.

Part of me is glad this part of my life is over. Part of me feels like I have walked through a huge door of opportunity, and as soon as I walked through, it shut and locked behind me so that I can't go back. While I feel free in a sense, I feel very overwhelmed with all the emotional garbage I have to sort through after two years with the biggest asshole on the planet. I'm happy to have a new opportunity to grow as a person. Yet, I'm sad that I have lost something that I wanted - a relationship.

I have known for a good while that thing would end with him. I think I was hoping that would be much later. I certainly never dreamed he would start seeing someone else while still technically in a relationship with me. The whole things reminds me of my parents relationship. My dad constantly cheated on my mom. He was a drunk too. Maybe I should be happy that I never married the scumbag or had children by him.

Though I can see the silver lining, it all has me wondering if I'll ever find someone decent, someone who will love me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I'm feeling a little bitter about men and relationships period. Part of me is wondering if I should just join a convent and be single for the rest of my life. Another part of me is wondering if I should just give lesbianism a try. (I'll leave my thoughts about that for another post.) Most of me, though, is holding out hope for that one in a million to come along. I really want someone great. I want someone who only sees me, only wants me. I want someone who loves me, respects me, wants me, needs me, who doesn't use me and throw me away.

Is there someone out there for me? I'm losing hope. =(

Tolerance Down the Tubes

Lately, I have a low tolerance for certain people and particular behaviors. There is a girl in my RCIA class, for example, who is going through with her boyfriend. I haven't got much tolerance for her or her behavior. She constantly hangs on him, lays on him, touches him like they're in the privacy of their own home. It's incredibly annoying and makes at least three of us (not including the boyfriend) at the table uncomfortable. He looks uncomfortable but I'm not sure he is.

My tolerance for my boyfriend has flown out the window and around the world to Russia. I can't believe how annoying, bullheaded and rude he is. Maybe my eyes are finally being opened to his true self. I think he's been getting drunk a lot and trying to hide it. I have no tolerance for drunkenness or lying. I hope he isn't doing that, but I haven't been able to catch him. I've been too busy at school. When he's available, I'm not.

There is a girl sitting next to me as I type this. I just can't stand how she is dressed. She has lovely hair, toenails and fingernails are nicely done. The problem is she has a huge gut. Her pants are fastened under her wobbly, jiggly belly and they have fallen halfway down her ass. (GROSS!!) As if that wasn't repulsive enough! Her shirt that is too tight.

I think I'm just bitchy today. =(

Waiting on a Sign

I'm waiting for a sign. It isn't just any sign. I've asked for a specific sign from God to show me what to do. I have been having some really big issues with my boyfriend over the last several weeks, and I'm at the end of myself and not sure what to do. Everytime I have prayed and asked God for a sign (Gideon style) I have been given it. Everytime He has confirmed that I should be in this relationship.

I have asked for various things in the past, though nothing I had control over. That wouldn't be the Gideon way. Every single time, what I have asked for has come to pass. I am careful to pray silently, so that only God knows my request.

Now it's coming down to major uncertainty. I don't know if this is meant to be or not. I really love him, but maybe that isn't enough. I'm tired of being tossed around like I mean nothing to him. I'm tired of being taken for granted. I'm fed up with having my emotions toyed with. And I'm definitely tired of hearing, "I don't know what love is," and, "I don't know how I feel about you." He runs hot and cold. One day he loves me, the next he doesn't or doesn't know.

I feel like I have broken my back trying to make this relationship work, because I have honestly felt God wanted me here. And I feel like everything has been for nothing. I feel like I have wasted more than two years of my life on a man who is a complete asshole and a disgrace to the human race. I say disgrace because of the way he treats me. It's truly disgraceful.

If this request doesn't come to pass, I'm finished with him for good.