Lately, I have a low tolerance for certain people and particular behaviors. There is a girl in my RCIA class, for example, who is going through with her boyfriend. I haven't got much tolerance for her or her behavior. She constantly hangs on him, lays on him, touches him like they're in the privacy of their own home. It's incredibly annoying and makes at least three of us (not including the boyfriend) at the table uncomfortable. He looks uncomfortable but I'm not sure he is.
My tolerance for my boyfriend has flown out the window and around the world to Russia. I can't believe how annoying, bullheaded and rude he is. Maybe my eyes are finally being opened to his true self. I think he's been getting drunk a lot and trying to hide it. I have no tolerance for drunkenness or lying. I hope he isn't doing that, but I haven't been able to catch him. I've been too busy at school. When he's available, I'm not.
There is a girl sitting next to me as I type this. I just can't stand how she is dressed. She has lovely hair, toenails and fingernails are nicely done. The problem is she has a huge gut. Her pants are fastened under her wobbly, jiggly belly and they have fallen halfway down her ass. (GROSS!!) As if that wasn't repulsive enough! Her shirt that is too tight.
I think I'm just bitchy today. =(
I'm waiting for a sign. It isn't just any sign. I've asked for a specific sign from God to show me what to do. I have been having some really big issues with my boyfriend over the last several weeks, and I'm at the end of myself and not sure what to do. Everytime I have prayed and asked God for a sign (Gideon style) I have been given it. Everytime He has confirmed that I should be in this relationship.
I have asked for various things in the past, though nothing I had control over. That wouldn't be the Gideon way. Every single time, what I have asked for has come to pass. I am careful to pray silently, so that only God knows my request.
Now it's coming down to major uncertainty. I don't know if this is meant to be or not. I really love him, but maybe that isn't enough. I'm tired of being tossed around like I mean nothing to him. I'm tired of being taken for granted. I'm fed up with having my emotions toyed with. And I'm definitely tired of hearing, "I don't know what love is," and, "I don't know how I feel about you." He runs hot and cold. One day he loves me, the next he doesn't or doesn't know.
I feel like I have broken my back trying to make this relationship work, because I have honestly felt God wanted me here. And I feel like everything has been for nothing. I feel like I have wasted more than two years of my life on a man who is a complete asshole and a disgrace to the human race. I say disgrace because of the way he treats me. It's truly disgraceful.
If this request doesn't come to pass, I'm finished with him for good.
