There are changes going on inside me. I'm much more focused, and I'm happier than I have in a long time. One of the most amazing things happened to me today - I thought of my dad and smiled.
I've been trying to get caught up on reading for one of my classes. There are three different books that are being used in this particular class. I've been focusing on one book in particular because it has the most readings assigned to it. I got a different book out today. I forgot I had started reading it a few weeks ago. Right where I left off was my bookmark. It has a poem on one side and my dad's obituary on the other. I smiled as I read the short blurb of his life for the nth time.
While hot tears still fill my eyes and could easily stain my cheeks, the love I feel for him is more powerful than the pain I feel from losing him and thoughts of never seeing him again.
I feel hopeful that things will continue to get better, that I will make it through this - one of the darkest times of my life. I have my drive and a little bit of my pep back. I'm looking forward to graduating in May and trying to decide on the next step - grad school, law school or just get a job and be done with it for a while.
I really should be sleeping right now, but my mind won't rest. I keep thinking about things that aren't important and some things that should be important but aren't. I'm feeling listless.
Miriam Webster's online dictionary defines the word listless as follows:- listless
- Main Entry:
- list·less
- Pronunciation:
- \ˈlist-ləs\
- Function:
- adjective
- Etymology:
- Middle English listles, from 2list
- Date:
- 15th century
: characterized by lack of interest, energy, or spirit
Lately, that is a very accurate description of me. I don't have a much interest in much of anything. I feel very apathetic about most things. But I have found listless is the best adjective for describing me.
My spirit is bruised and broken. I'm the type of person who thrives on music of all sorts, who uses music to work through things in life, but even music is empty to me. While I like it, it doesn't sing to me the way it once did. It doesn't speak to me words of wisdom or words of truth anymore. I don't connect with it.
This listless state is hitting me especially hard academically. While I'm not failing any classes, I have no desire to go to school. It's a real chore to make myself go to class. My focus is lost. I forget about my assignments until the last minute. I feel like I'm floating off somewhere mentally. My drive is gone. I don't want to quit. I really want to continue. I just feel stuck. I feel like I need life to stop for just a little while so I can catch up.
I keep thinking how lucky I am to be in school right now. I don't have to work forty hours or more each week. I don't even have to put in eight hours of work any day, unless you count class time and homework. Mondays I go ten to eleven hours straight. Thursdays are even worse, depending on if I can go home between work and class. There can be up to fourteen hours between the time I get to school and the time I leave. If I had a full-time job right now, I'd be really bad off.
I've been thinking about attending a bereavement program. I don't really want to sit in front of a group of people and cry my eyes out week after week, but, at the same time, I can't continue going through life so lost and depressed. My dad would be very upset with me to know I've let his passing affect me this way. He would want me to get on with my life and to live it as fully as possible. He wouldn't want me to forget about him, but he wouldn't want me to dwell on things the way I do.
I can't escape my feeling of loss. It isn't that I don't think anyone else doesn't hasn't, won't ever felt this way. I feel this way, and I don't know what to do about it. I had a good cry tonight. That sometimes helps. It did tonight, which is a relief, but I know it isn't enough. I need to do something more to get through my grief.
