New Beginnings

Sometimes moving on is easier said than done. It seems we find ourselves in places that we want to get out of, but we feel trapped because other possibilities are unknown. We can take a step of faith of the fear of failing is too great. If we fail, we lose, and we can't always go back to where we started. I know first hand how easy it is to be comfortable and stay in miserable jobs, relationships, groups, etc. just because staying is easier than taking a risk and failing.

I stayed in a job I hated beyond measure for two years because it was safe. They have a hard time keeping the people they have, so they don't typically fire anyone. That gave me comfort that I would have a job as long as I needed to work there. I say needed because I didn't really want to work there. It was a necessity to have a job, no matter how much I hated it. I was miserable, but I didn't have the nerve to leave. Now that I have finally found a new job, I feel liberated. It feels like I can do anything now. I feel empowered. I feel truly free.

It feels like the need for change, liberation, freedom is coming into my personal life now. It's touching my relationships. I'm finding there are relationships I want to build and nurture, while there are others I want to sever and cut away. There are some relationships I've severed on a whim, without much thought, that I'd like to rebuild. There are some "peripheral" relationships I'd like to explore a bit further just to see what the possibilities are.

I haven't been a good friend lately. I have kept to myself and haven't made myself available much. While I feel bad about it, there's nothing I can do to change the past. I'm working on building and nurturing my relationship with my BFF. She's always been there for me. There have been situations I wouldn't have made it through without her. I have another friend who lives in Tennessee. We've been friends for years, but we lost touch after she got married and moved away. We've gotten closer over the last year, and she's helped me a lot with my dad's passing. More and more I'm seeing how my closest friends are becoming closer. It's a time when I really need a close network.

There aren't many relationships I want to sever. I try not to burn too many bridges. There are some people I worked with at my last job I'd rather not speak to ever again. If I never saw them again, I wouldn't be sad. I have never quit a job without giving a notice, but it feels great to cut all ties to that office once and for all. There are some people I will miss and hope to keep in touch with, but I will never miss the stress and daily bullshit. I'm still thinking about whether I want to sever my relationship with my boyfriend. I need to do what's best for me, and right now I'm not sure what that is. I care about him very much. I'm concerned about what he's up to lately. I guess I should just let go and see what happens. Maybe things will turn around. If they don't, it's not meant to be.

I've been missing my friend Ryan for quite a while. He was always such a good friend to me. He listened when I needed to talk. At a very emotional time, he couldn't be there for me, and I took it personally. In my anger and hurt I broke off our friendship. I told him I couldn't be friends with him anymore. I wish I hadn't done that. I've lost a very dear friend because I was careless. It doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon, but I hope one day we will be friends again.

I have a lot of "peripheral" relationships at school. Most of them are with my classmates. A lot of them are extremely talented. Sometimes I wonder if there are any I could partner with to start a business. Then there's the one guy I wrote about yesterday. Sometimes I think I'd like to date him. There are many times I want to kiss him usually for no other reason than he has nice lips. (How immature is that??) Then I remind myself how the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Things look good with him from this angle, but I don't know if they really would be. The first time I saw him almost two years ago I was attracted to him. As I've gotten to know him, the attraction has grown. I don't know what it means. Maybe it means nothing.

I think at this point in my life I just want someone who loves me - truly loves me, who doesn't care what anyone thinks about us being together, who understands my busy-ness, who wants to spend time with me even if the only time some days is lunch, someone who makes me feel important to them and I never have to guess if he cares about me, someone who won't take everything I do for him and throw it in my face by being a complete asshole and pretending that anything I do is annoying - including doing nothing or saying nothing when I have no reason to say or do a thing. I want someone who will treat me with dignity and respect and give me the courtesy I deserve, the same dignity, respect, courtesy and care I extend to him.

Is that too much to ask?