The Emotional War Inside

Things blew completely to hell today. My boyfriend and I finally broke up. I found out he's decided (deciding) to date someone else. He has no regard for me. While I shouldn't be surprised, I do feel a huge sense of loss. To be honest, I don't know what I was expecting. I called him a drunken loser. I admit that wasn't a very nice thing to say. I was very angry and deeply hurt. I still am. Even though I said it in anger, part of me feels that way about him. He doesn't try to do anything to better himself education wise so he can have a better job and he is constantly getting drunk. He is apparently drunk tonight. His mother is an alcoholic, and he's always complaining about how much he hates it. What room has he to talk about her? He's just as bad.

Part of me is glad this part of my life is over. Part of me feels like I have walked through a huge door of opportunity, and as soon as I walked through, it shut and locked behind me so that I can't go back. While I feel free in a sense, I feel very overwhelmed with all the emotional garbage I have to sort through after two years with the biggest asshole on the planet. I'm happy to have a new opportunity to grow as a person. Yet, I'm sad that I have lost something that I wanted - a relationship.

I have known for a good while that thing would end with him. I think I was hoping that would be much later. I certainly never dreamed he would start seeing someone else while still technically in a relationship with me. The whole things reminds me of my parents relationship. My dad constantly cheated on my mom. He was a drunk too. Maybe I should be happy that I never married the scumbag or had children by him.

Though I can see the silver lining, it all has me wondering if I'll ever find someone decent, someone who will love me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I'm feeling a little bitter about men and relationships period. Part of me is wondering if I should just join a convent and be single for the rest of my life. Another part of me is wondering if I should just give lesbianism a try. (I'll leave my thoughts about that for another post.) Most of me, though, is holding out hope for that one in a million to come along. I really want someone great. I want someone who only sees me, only wants me. I want someone who loves me, respects me, wants me, needs me, who doesn't use me and throw me away.

Is there someone out there for me? I'm losing hope. =(